The Midults’ guide to…

Annabel Rivkin & Emilie Mcmeekan

Dating for grown-ups

DATING FOR GROWN-UPS is a horror story. Not because of the anecdotal evidence that there isn’t much out there (there isn’t) and what there is might be majorly dysfunctional. Not because we are scared of looking desperate. Not because we are terrified of making ourselves vulnerable (we are). Not because all the past traumas and disappointments have concertinaed up on us to make us incredibly bruisable. Not because we are worried about our bodies and our sexual athleticism, audacity and appetite. All of the above can be dealt with. It’s intimidating, sure, but processable. No, dating for grown-ups is a nightmare because we have never really done dating.

When we were getting our sea legs, ‘dating’ was still an Americanism. If you were dating, in Britain, in the ’90s and noughties, then you probably weren’t really dating at all. You may have dived in and out of liaisons and flings and relationships, but it was not a Sex and the City-style ‘Tonight I’ve got a date with a hot lawyer/pilot/gallerist’ situation.

The way that we interviewed, in our 20s and early 30s, was to get almost insensibly drunk and fall on top of each other. Maybe numbers were swapped. Maybe numbers were texted or even called… Imagine that! But the first date certainly came after the first snog. Fluids then first dates. Was it as icky as it sounds? Sometimes. But sometimes it ended in marriage.

So these days, when we maybe don’t quite get so steamingly pissed; when we might be a little more circumspect with our bodies; when we need to turn up for drinks or dinner with someone new… well, we are babies. Scared babies. In heels.

‘Just be yourself,’ say the married people, ‘who knows, you might make a new friend.’ Oh, how quickly they all forget… themidult.com

10 THINGS YOU ONLY KNOW IF YOU WERE DATING IN THE 90S

1. The only relationship self-help books were The Rules and Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Both disastrous.

2. Everyone tried flavoured condoms, just once, for a laugh.

3. Häagen-dazs was considered a fancy pudding for a sexy dinner à deux.

4. You called each other. On a landline.

5. You believed what you were told. You could not google. And a private detective was going too far… usually.

6. A man would have freaked out if you didn’t have pubic hair.

7. There was no Netflix and chill. There was just sex.

8. Everyone thought G-strings were the last word in sexy.

9. You would be verbally dumped. Face-toface, even.

10. The suggestion of watching porn was highly camp and completely hilarious.

10 THINGS YOU ONLY KNOW IF YOU’RE DATING NOW

1. Never take dating advice from married people. They immediately forget, and they are vicariously pervy.

2. Condoms are part of the rich tapestry. Having one tucked in your purse doesn’t make you cheap. It makes you wise.

3. You might have a torrid Whatsapp conversation a month before meeting for the first time.

4. Speaking on the telephone is the first big commitment.

5. There is a current vogue for ‘going for a walk’ on a first date. This is dispiriting.

6. You put off telling anyone your surname for as long as possible so they can’t google you.

7. Men will insist on cooking for you.

8. When you open an image file on a message, you never quite know what you’ll see.

9. Men don’t care what pants you’re wearing.

10. Nothing kills the moment like discovering you are on opposite sides of the Brexit divide.

Back in the ’90s, the suggestion of watching porn was highly camp and completely hilarious