‘I don’t want the acceptable face of junk food. I want to be so full of E-numbers, I feel like a drugged racehorse’

Our reviewer prefers a highly processed pizza every time

PIZZA HUT OVER PIZZA EXPRESS. Every time. Oh, come on. I mean, I’m not knocking Pizza Express. It’s fine. It’s just a bit… beige. A bit timid. A bit Coldplay. No offence if you like Coldplay. They’re fine. They’re just a bit… Pizza Express.

No, give me Pizza Hut any day. If you’re going to have cheap, highstreet, chain-restaurant pizza, you’ve got to go all out. Pizza Hut is maximum cheese, maximum meat, maximum salt, maximum spice, maximum fat, maximum grease. Proper, unashamed, no-punches-pulled junk. Unabashed trash. I love it. Always have. That moment you walk in off the street and get hit smack in the face by the monstrous hot stench of fried onion, strong enough to fell a buffalo. Magic.

A few months ago, Pizza Hut was promoting a brand-new dish: pizza topped with macaroni cheese and barbecue sauce. I’ll say that again: pizza… topped

Photographs: Jasper Fry with macaroni cheese… and barbecue sauce. In the spirit of scientific inquiry, my wife ordered it. Funnily enough, it was horrendous. So many carbs. They might as well have chucked on a loaf of Kingsmill and a four-pack of Pot Noodle. But in a strange way, I admired it. The people in charge of Pizza Hut clearly do not give one single, solitary damn, and you’ve got to respect that. You can just imagine the meetings where they come up with this stuff.

‘Right. New topping combinations. How about doner kebab, baked beans, Colman’s mustard and Monster Munch?