WHAT HAPPENED NEXT ROMAN ABRAMOVICH

June 2018

After delaying the renewal of his visa, the Home Office demands that Abramovich take the brand-new ‘Proof of British Interests’ questionnaire. The test, a simple 723-question form, sees applicants variously asked to: label a seating plan of the St George’s Chapel quire on the royal wedding day; list the ‘six most magical things about the Duchess of Sussex’; use crayons to draw a colourful A4 vision of post-brexit Britain; create a graph showing the price increase of Cadbury’s Freddos since 1970; and, finally, answer, ‘Who is most likely to have sanctioned the poisoning of Sergei and Yulia Skripal?’ Crucially, Abramovich gets all but one correct.

August 2018

Furious at his expulsion, Abramovich has his most trusted serf google, ‘How did the Romans invade Britain?’ Finding a successful – albeit 1,975-year-old – plan, the lackey arranges for his boss and several lesser oligarchs to arrive by superyacht at the Kent settlement of Richborough, before splitting forces between the Thames and Medway. Aside from a small skiff Nigel Farage has commandeered to protest against EU fisheries policy, they meet no resistance. But as Abramovich pulls up at Chelsea Harbour, a passing Michael Gove notices the Russian has eight wood-burning stoves on his boat. He is arrested and banished on the spot.

January 2019

Accepting he can never return to London, Abramovich has Stamford Bridge, the entire Chelsea squad and around 50,000 well-bribed fans moved to Moscow. The plan’s success encourages other nervous oligarchs in Britain to return home, taking their assets and Kremlin allies with them. West London becomes a wasteland as they up sticks one by one, the FTSE 100 collapses and unemployment rates in the caviar and hitman communities reach an all-time high. ‘Admittedly, this is a mixed picture,’ Boris Johnson concedes. — Guy Kelly