WHAT HAP­PENED NEXT THE HEAT­WAVE

The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Just Williams -

Novem­ber 2018

Af­ter an­other four months of the Bloody Great Heat­wave of 2018, Bri­tain shows signs of strug­gling. Men are hit par­tic­u­larly hard, given 85 per cent have in­sisted on wear­ing a waist­coat since July. The last glass of tap wa­ter is drunk at a spe­cial cer­e­mony in Septem­ber, leav­ing many forced to pre­tend they like co­conut wa­ter again. And hav­ing ex­hausted the list of syn­onyms for ‘sunny’, BBC weath­er­man To­masz Schafer­naker en­ter­tains him­self by pre­sent­ing the fore­cast with one item of cloth­ing fewer ev­ery night. By Christ­mas he’s us­ing the Isle of Man to cover his mod­esty.

May 2019

An­other year of cease­less heat and a Churchilli­an spirit grips the coun­try. Dis­miss­ing cyn­ics as ‘sun-down­ers’, Theresa May an­nounces a list of mea­sures de­signed to make the most of a post-driz­zle Bri­tain. The dusty, brown streak di­vid­ing London (for­merly known as the Thames) is turned into lux­ury flats; the Marathon des Sables is held in Som­er­set for the first time; and ev­ery car owner is given the op­tion of trad­ing in their ve­hi­cle for a camel. ‘Mr Speaker, I’ve got the hump with the prime min­is­ter on that one,’ says a fu­ri­ous Jeremy Cor­byn, string-vested for six months by now, at PMQS. ‘She knows that Camels for Cars is a pol­icy I’ve been work­ing on since 2016, long be­fore the heat­wave started.’

April 2020

Enough is enough. Fu­ri­ous with the failed mea­sures of May and her Min­is­ters for Sunshine – a job-share be­tween Katrina and the Waves – the pub­lic de­mands some­thing be done about the weather. A few peo­ple start crowd­fund­ing for a hose long enough to ex­tin­guish the sun, a move that is met with scep­ti­cism from en­vi­ron­men­tal­ists. James Dyson tries and fails to build some­thing ef­fec­tive and then blames Brus­sels. At­tempts are made to put the Mil­len­nium Dome to good use by prop­ping it up as a gi­ant para­sol. Even­tu­ally it just rains. — Guy Kelly

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