WHAT HAPPENED NEXT THE HEATWAVE

November 2018

After another four months of the Bloody Great Heatwave of 2018, Britain shows signs of struggling. Men are hit particularly hard, given 85 per cent have insisted on wearing a waistcoat since July. The last glass of tap water is drunk at a special ceremony in September, leaving many forced to pretend they like coconut water again. And having exhausted the list of synonyms for ‘sunny’, BBC weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker entertains himself by presenting the forecast with one item of clothing fewer every night. By Christmas he’s using the Isle of Man to cover his modesty.

May 2019

Another year of ceaseless heat and a Churchillian spirit grips the country. Dismissing cynics as ‘sun-downers’, Theresa May announces a list of measures designed to make the most of a post-drizzle Britain. The dusty, brown streak dividing London (formerly known as the Thames) is turned into luxury flats; the Marathon des Sables is held in Somerset for the first time; and every car owner is given the option of trading in their vehicle for a camel. ‘Mr Speaker, I’ve got the hump with the prime minister on that one,’ says a furious Jeremy Corbyn, string-vested for six months by now, at PMQS. ‘She knows that Camels for Cars is a policy I’ve been working on since 2016, long before the heatwave started.’

April 2020

Enough is enough. Furious with the failed measures of May and her Ministers for Sunshine – a job-share between Katrina and the Waves – the public demands something be done about the weather. A few people start crowdfunding for a hose long enough to extinguish the sun, a move that is met with scepticism from environmentalists. James Dyson tries and fails to build something effective and then blames Brussels. Attempts are made to put the Millennium Dome to good use by propping it up as a giant parasol. Eventually it just rains. — Guy Kelly