WHAT HAPPENED NEXT GARETH SOUTHGATE

August 2018

After all his success in Russia, Gareth Southgate returns to Britain to find himself inundated with adoption requests from English men, women and children all over the country. He politely declines, pledging his loyalty to the team, but organises a special ‘Southgate experience’ event in Trafalgar Square for anyone who wishes to bask in his paternal glow. Free of charge, fans can sit on the floor forlornly, then have a suited Southgate pull them up, clutch them by the nape, whisper, ‘Well done, Daddy’s proud of you,’ directly in their ear, then slap them on the back before imploring them to thank the fans. On the first day, 52 million people queue up for it.

October 2018

Aware Southgate has a marginally higher approval rating than her, Theresa May sends an MI5 van to his home one night and has them bundle him in. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Southgate shouts, still in his silk night-time three-piece, before he is tranquillised. He wakes tied to a chair in Number 10, facing May, who holds his prized waistcoat perilously close to a cigarette lighter. ‘Become my Brexit Secretary or the waistcoat burns,’ she hisses. He instantly agrees, and rejuvenates Britain’s negotiations by surrounding himself with a young, exciting team and asking Baddiel and Skinner to record Sovereignty’s Coming Home.

June 2022

As a thank you for all his Brexit help, which concludes in Britain losing at the semi-final stage but valiantly exceeding expectations, May allows Southgate to retake charge of England for the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. He replaces caretaker manager Mystic Marcus, the psychic pig from This Morning, but comes under pressure to provide a sequel to waistcoat fever. A monocle and full morris dancing kit are tried before he settles on just a bow tie with no shirt. Unfortunately it’s a look replicated around the country again. — Guy Kelly