The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - The Midults’ Guide To… Holding Your Ground -

Bis­cuits. I do not know how many bis­cuits is too many. Three/four/a packet?

Ly­ing about how much time I spend on In­sta­gram. ‘Of course I was lis­ten­ing. No, I was ab­so­lutely not on In­sta­gram while you were talk­ing. I was just tex­ting my mother/email­ing an im­por­tant work con­tact /writ­ing my will.’

Brush­ing my teeth 25 times a day. Even though my hy­gien­ist has told me to calm down. Makes me feel cleeaaann.

Chips. Steak and chips. Salad and chips. Sushi and chips. Soup and chips. Chips and chips. And no, you can­not share.

Get­ting more tat­toos. Sorry, Mum.

Hope that I will ex­er­cise more. It’s al­ways a pos­si­bil­ity. Maybe a bi­cy­cle or even just a re­ally gen­tle class. Hell, I’ve been to one yoga class this year, which is al­ready 100 per cent up on last year.

Small print. Yes, I should prob­a­bly up the font size on my Kin­dle. And make the text on my phone big­ger so I can see bet­ter/some­thing. But I will not be de­feated.

Wor­ry­ing. Maybe one day I will as­cend to a higher plane. Un­til then my wor­ries keep me a) con­sid­er­ate, and b) alive.

Drink­ing tea. Tea is fine, you say. Bet­ter than cof­fee. Or vodka. But I drink 15 cups a day.

Try­ing not to drive. Not to re­verse, or par­al­lel park. Avoid­ing un­der­ground car parks, dodg­ing mo­tor­ways. Pre­tend­ing I like walk­ing/trains/the rain to avoid man­ning a ve­hi­cle. Driv­ing is scary.

I’m Ab­so­lutely Fine! A Man­ual For Im­per­fect Women, by The Midults, is out now (Cas­sell, £16.99); themidult.com

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