8 The Midults’ guide to…

Things that are impossible to finish

SENTENCES

‘Because... the thing is... if you think about it this way... in fact, whichever way you look at it... it seems clear that... and I’m playing devil’s advocate here... what if we were to take a slightly different angle...’ And, oh dear, our audience has left the building. They were on our side at the beginning of the sentence. But everyone was younger and more hopeful back then.

FILMS

They just demand too much from us. Too much commitment in terms of time, intellectual energy and awakeness. Anything longer than an hour is bound to induce an ‘I’ve just woken up on the sofa and it’s 2am and I am shivery and cold’ moment. So we just watch 10 minutes of When Harry Met Sally here, 15 minutes of The Breakfast Club there and many, many box sets.

DAIRY PRODUCTS

Hands up who has a mouldy pot of cottage cheese (surely the devil’s bath scum) lurking in the fridge? Or a third of a tub of half-fat crème fraîche that you bought for some Frenchy-type soup situation, which now sits on the shelf neglected and slightly accusing in that Frenchy way – and next to it are another three pots because you keep forgetting to take crème fraîche off the Ocado order. Even ice cream, despite our BEST EFFORTS, still has that shardy, icicle, stalactite layer at the bottom that always evades the scoop. Best open a new one, then.

THOUGHTS

Maybe you are able to disseminate information like Miss Marple in a picturesque yet improbably murdery village and hold on to your train of thought like Tom Cruise delivering that courtroom speech in A Few Good Men. Or perhaps you are more like: ‘Hold on… What…? Where was I? Oh, never mind.’ We are not judging. We are never judging.

LIPSTICK

Holy hell, is it hard to finish a lipstick. So we are swimming in faintly fragranced stubs that were possibly our grandmother’s. Lying in the footwell of the car, the bottom of an abandoned handbag, a coat pocket, the gym bag. Lidless. Hopeless. The only one we ever truly loved, they discontinued.

CONDITIONER

Why oh why oh why oh why do they make conditioner bottles the same size as shampoo bottles? Lake of shampoo (repeat if necessary), dot of conditioner. Honestly, this is one of the mysteries of the Midult universe.

BREAD

Listen. We know that we have a bread problem. It’s like Breadxit. Do we stay in the bread zone or do we go? However, even if we choose to really roll around in the bread, we don’t ever seem to be able to get to the end. We’re always left with the nobbly bits, the crusty bits, the crown-shattering nubs. If this isn’t a metaphor for something, then we don’t know what is. But what? WHAT? *Howls*

LAUNDRY

Whether it is because someone started a new ‘pile’ somewhere that wasn’t anywhere near the laundry basket. Or down to the endless white/colour/ white/colour rotation. Don’t forget the towels. Time to do that mattress protector. Someone’s taken up cycling. Why do we ever think a tablecloth is a good idea?

BEING CROSS ABOUT POLITICS

Whichever side we are on, whoever we support, whatever we believe, we all seem to be getting angrier and angrier. Because they are all so annoying. Come on, sort it out. This entry is to remind you about your cup of tea. It’s sitting somewhere, right now, getting cold. Along with all the other unfinished cups of tea dotted around the house. Funny how this never happens with wine.

CONVERSATIONS WITH FRIENDS

Because with the good ones, it’s never over. You are never done. You pick up where you left off, and it could be a week or three years. Soul food.

I’m Absolutely Fine! A Manual For Imperfect Women, by The Midults, is out now (Cassell, £16.99); themidult.com

Hands up who has a mouldy pot of cottage cheese (surely the devil’s bath scum) in the fridge?