The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Just Williams - Guy Kelly

Novem­ber 2018

A month into his Face­book con­tract, Sir Nick Clegg fi­nally re­mem­bers his pass­word (Cleg­g­bounce2010!) and is able to start work. The fol­low­ing week is dif­fi­cult: he’s bul­lied for pro­nounc­ing ‘meme’ as a French ‘même’ in a town-hall meet­ing, and pranked into be­liev­ing he should lit­er­ally write on walls and poke em­ploy­ees to get their at­ten­tion. ‘Nick, Nick, stop, they’re yank­ing your chain,’ Mark Zucker­berg says, catch­ing Clegg scrawl­ing ‘Happy Birth­day mate x’ on an of­fice door. Clegg is for­lorn. ‘This is like when Michael Gove tricked me into think­ing the cab­i­net meets in that tiny cup­board. That was a long night.’

April 2019

At the end of the year’s first quar­ter, Clegg is called into Zucker­berg’s of­fice for an awk­ward ap­praisal. ‘It’s not that you’re slack­ing,’ he says, shift­ing on his bean­bag, ‘I’m just con­cerned you haven’t un­der­stood your role.’ Zuck runs through Clegg’s ac­tiv­i­ties so far, which in­clude at­tempt­ing to set up al­ready-mar­ried mem­bers of staff, find­ing day rates for lo­cal ho­tel rooms, and invit­ing Bill Clin­ton to give a lunchtime talk on The Risk of Get­ting Caught is Ac­tu­ally Half the Turn-on. Clegg’s per­plexed. ‘I thought I was Head of Global Af­fairs?’

Jan­uary 2020

Logged on and do­ing the right job, Clegg is such a suc­cess that other so­cial me­dia com­pa­nies get jeal­ous. Twit­ter hires David Cameron and Snapchat takes on Gor­don Brown – who ad­mits he thought it was a fo­rum to dis­cuss hastily called elec­tions. Clegg en­joys the tus­sle, be­fore a Twit­ter-face­book merger lands him in coali­tion with Cameron again. Forced to give up his only cor­po­rate prom­ises, Clegg ends up ig­nored at Twit­book. Even­tu­ally he can only watch, pow­er­less, as Cameron caves to Lud­dite pres­sures and rashly agrees to a user ref­er­en­dum on leav­ing the in­ter­net. —

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