The Daily Telegraph - Telegraph Magazine - - Just Williams - — Guy Kelly

De­cem­ber 2018

As the 18th se­ries of I’m a Celebrity is such a suc­cess, pro­duc­ers go straight to a 19th with­out miss­ing a week. They re­cruit Meghan Markle, Theresa May, Gareth South­gate, Yu­lia Skri­pal, An­jem Choudary, Dani Dyer and Richard Mad­den to take part. South­gate – clad in a waist­coat he fash­ioned from vine leaves – is seen ex­plain­ing to May what she should do if she ever has to rene­go­ti­ate on Brexit. ‘Look, I know how to win when no­body ex­pects any­thing of you. All you need is a cen­tre for­ward with a 1940s hair­cut, in­ex­pli­ca­ble suc­cess rate and funny way of talk­ing. Then make him cap­tain,’ he says. May snaps, ‘Please leave Ja­cob Rees-mogg out of this.’

March 2019

The show should have been over by Christ­mas, but May, still cling­ing on as PM, refuses to re­turn to West­min­ster, in­sist­ing the jun­gle is not nearly as tribal and con­tains fewer chances of be­ing eaten alive. All Cab­i­net col­leagues end up hav­ing to go to her once a week for meet­ings, as does the en­tire House of Com­mons for PMQS, and Philip May to square up the chores. By spring, it is her new of­fi­cial res­i­dence.

Fe­bru­ary 2021

Since May was due to host the G20 sum­mit in Lon­don, the lead­ers of all the world’s ma­jor economies are forced to sign up to I’m a Celebrity to join her. Some take to it bet­ter than oth­ers – Justin Trudeau con­ducts all meet­ings shirt­less and in the jun­gle shower (much to Vladimir Putin’s an­noy­ance), Em­manuel Macron rel­ishes the eat­ing chal­lenges (lit­er­ally, by bring­ing an ex­ten­sive col­lec­tion of French rel­ishes) and Don­ald Trump spends his first 16 days ask­ing for the non-ex­is­tent Wi-fi code. By the fi­nal, the pub­lic has voted ev­ery­body out bar Trump and Putin, at which point, by uni­ver­sal agree­ment, pro­duc­ers qui­etly stop film­ing, seal off the camp, chuck a load more snakes in and wait for their No­bel Peace Prizes.

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