The Midults’ guide to…

All the different Januaries

FAT JANUARY

It’s cold. It would be extremely dangerous to allow your blood sugar to drop, or your natural insulation to deplete. You have weighed things up (without actually weighing yourself ) and calculated that now is not the time to deprive your body of fuel. Besides, everyone knows that diets make you fat. Besides, you love cheese. Besides, you quite like the way your cheeks are looking all plump and cheery. Frankly, Fat January has taken years off you.

ZEN JANUARY

And so begins the quest for your truth. That meditation app is getting an absolute pounding – you tend to ‘meditate’ in bed at night as you fall asleep, but it still goes in, right? And you have done a yoga class. Which you hated but quite enjoyed telling people about. And you have started a gratitude list, which you fill in every evening. Well, you did it once and it said things like ‘Netflix’ and ‘Ocado’. But you expect your horizons to broaden violently any minute now.

ORGANISATIONAL JANUARY

You are in a filing frenzy. You are detoxing your wardrobe, your cupboards and your handbags. You have checked whether you are overpaying on house insurance, car insurance, health insurance and energy bills. You are. You’re not yet sure what to do about this. You are revisiting your commute to see if it is time- and money-efficient, and you have called many meetings at work to discuss ‘best practice’. If anyone says anything, you make a note, email them and then file the thread. Why is life not easier yet? Why does no one want to have lunch with you?

MONEY-DIET JANUARY

You are not spending a single extraneous penny. You will soon be able to afford winter sun. No more turmeric lattes or green juices or Ubers or itunes films or Zara or Kindle books. Instead you are shopping from your wardrobe (so creative), walking everywhere (brrr) and reading the books on your shelves that you’ve never got round to (most of them). By the end of the month you’ll be rich. (It’s a crashing disappointment to find you have managed to save almost nothing and there’s a new leak in the bathroom, so that’s that then.)

SILENT-RETREAT JANUARY

You have put yourself into recovery from conversation. You feel that during the second half of 2018, you had all the chat – digital, actual – that any person needs to have in an entire lifetime. You have fulfilled and exceeded your quota. So you are not answering the phone, you are not making plans, you speak when spoken to and impart information on a need-to-know basis. You are thrilled to be alone and peaceful. But why is no one calling?

DIY JANUARY

It’s all on Youtube, amiright? You don’t need people to help, just a strong Wi-fi connection and a tool belt. You are going to turn the box room into a grown-up den worthy of Architectural

Digest. Shelves. All the pictures that you are finally going to get framed, hung. Those tiles from that trip to Lisbon four years ago. Fifteen alarming holes in the wall and a dodgy adhesive mix later, it emerges that you cannot DIY. Obviously.

CLEAN JANUARY

You start stalking all your sober friends to see if they are free to go to the cinema or bowling, or just a walk will do and you can be there in five. But it is not just the booze you are giving up. Also meat and dairy. And sugar and salt. You are so bored that you have taken up actual cleaning in a big way. Your house sparkles but you’ve had an allergic reaction to soya milk and come out in hives, and what is this? Oh, a nervous breakdown.

NEW-YOU JANUARY

You set a programme of – what to call it? – self-perfection. New hair imbued with charismatic colour. A few fillers. A bit of a Botox. A HIIT class pass. A set of philosophical lectures. A dentist’s appointment. You will emerge, swanlike into February. Do you look weird? But do you? Your best friend finally admits that you do. A little bit. And you enter February fuelled by a festival of self-loathing. themidult.com

Fifteen alarming holes in the wall and a dodg y adhesive mix later, it emerges that you cannot DIY. Obviously