WHAT HAPPENED NEXT OLIVIA COLMAN

February 2019 Two years on from the La La Land/moonlight debacle, chaos reigns again at the Academy Awards, when Gary Oldman announces the winner of the Best Actress category. ‘Wow, you’ll be going gaga over this,’ he says, opening the envelope. It causes Lady Gaga to spring to her feet, unfurl a sirloin train and run to the stage. ‘No, not you, it’s the favourite!’ Oldman yelps, prompting Glenn Close, as the bookies’ choice, to stand up. ‘No! I mean it’s her from The

Favourite. Olivia Colman. Ugh...’ In the end, Colman is so awkward about the matter that she breaks the statuette in three over her knee and splits the prize. December 2020 After two series, Olivia Colman’s Queen Elizabeth in The Crown is so convincing that a movement begins to have her perform royal public duties when the actual Queen is feeling like a lie-in. Elizabeth II herself agrees it’s a terrific idea, but there’s fierce jealousy from other actresses with monarchical experience. A contest is arranged: Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Claire Foy, Miranda Richardson, Cate Blanchett and Margot Robbie are all invited to audition, as is Brian May – who owns the copyright to the word ‘Queen’. Rounds include a crown-wearing obstacle course, endurance waving, speaking to Theresa May for half an hour without falling asleep, and keeping a straight face while saying, ‘Yes, of course I like Prince Andrew.’ Colman wins easily. March 2028 Slipping back into her character from The

Crown and taking over as the Queen full-time, Colman’s ascent to power is smooth, save for Charles’s visible frustration at now being 25 years older than his own mother and still heir. The only major issue is when Colman insists on continuing her other acting projects alongside matters of state. The result is a bizarre fourth series of Broadchurch, in which DS Ellie Miller is played by Colman as Elizabeth II. ‘One must crack this case,’ she says, wearing a cheap suit under a powder-blue day coat with Anello & Davide black leather shoes, while stroking a corgi. — Guy Kelly