Where you’ll find them (in bed, on the tequila…)

NEVER ASSUME that we are where you think we are. Oh no. We roam. We do. We adventure, if only in our dreams from the sofa – sitting here, wondering why we are still holding this spoon. We are mysterious creatures, not necessarily in a sexy way. Like you, we are confidently able to say, ‘If you need me, I’ll be…’

IN BED (EMILIE)

I have a 40-minute window. Do I: a) sort out that terrifyingly oppressive mound of matter that is keeping me up at night; b) read an improving book so that I have something to say if I ever leave the house again; c) go to bed for a power nap that will leave me feeling slightly queasy for the rest of the day? The answer is always c. Obviously.

ON THE TEQUILA (ANNABEL)

I have given up coffee. Which was stupid. So where do I get my sharpeners now? Glad you asked, because nothing peps you up like banging a few shots of the old Patrón. Doesn’t make me witchy, like wine. What’s the downside? The blackouts are just my brain relaxing. So what if it’s lunchtime? Don’t be judgy.

ON THE BISCUITS (EMILIE)

Giving up drinking means I can eat all the biscuits I want in a totally non-alarming way, because no one is actually addicted to milk-chocolate digestives, they are just delicious and it’s not stress eating, and no you can’t hear any crumply rustling underneath me, and of course I haven’t finished the packet…

ON THE VERGE (ANNABEL)

Because I am always on the verge of quitting my job/selling my house/finally choosing a sofa/starting to save up for the extension/booking that Patagonian riding holiday/changing my therapist/ having meaningless sex with a stranger. The verge is a fun place to be. Join me?

IN TWO MINDS (EMILIE)

This might be why I remain on the aforementioned verge. I have a constantly running pros and cons list about every decision I make. Bread? Hmmm. Delicious and warm, but jeans getting too snug. Gym? Hmmmm. But so tired. And have back pain. Osteopath? Sure… but the bill. Constant conflict.

IN A JUMPSUIT (EMILIE)

Nothing like a jumpsuit to give off that action-woman vibe. In it, I can tackle each task with stealth and speed, nothing is going to get in my way, no one will knock me down, I can handle anything. There is nothing to fear but fear itself… Except a jumpsuit that does up at the back teamed with a belligerent bladder.

IN A BAD MOOD (ANNABEL)

You have been warned. If you come looking for me when I have carved out a moment of alone, a scrap of silence, do not expect to be greeted with Miss Dolly Sunbeam.

ON THE DEFENSIVE (ANNABEL)

No, I haven’t seen The Favourite because I have got clinical insomnia at the moment. Yes, clinical insomnia. This means I am really, really seriously not sleeping, not just the usual sleeping badly thing that everyone has. This is also why I can’t go out, or text anyone back, or go to yoga, or listen to the podcast you are recommending, or remember your name. It’s really, really serious. Yes, I am glad you are sorry to hear it. Thank you for being nice *howls*. The new series of the Midults’ podcast I’m Absolutely Fine! is available on itunes; themidult.com

Nothing peps you up like banging a few shots of the old Patrón. So what if it’s lunchtime? Don’t be judg y