The Midults’ guide to…

Does anyone else fill fantasy online shopping baskets at Lakeland – and Mr & Mrs Smith for minibreaks we can’t afford

Being a weirdo

DOES ANYONE ELSE do these things… or is it just us?

1. Smile at dogs in the street. Not a broad grin. More of a nod in acknowledgement. A sort of Ray Winstone-ish ‘We’ve committed a heist together but we don’t want anyone to know we know each other,’ kind of nod.

2. Look at people’s clothes and think, ‘Would I wear that?’ We do a mental trying-on of a stranger’s outfit: coat, bag, shoes, dress. This also applies to, ‘Would I drive that car?’ and, ‘Would I have sex with that man?’ Answer is usually no. Which is a blessed relief. But also, possibly, the reason we are constantly panicking about having nothing to wear/are too scared to change the car/are single.

3. Do an inventory of everything we’re wearing. Or to be precise, a mental description that runs from top to toe: look at me walking down the street wearing a Hush sparkly hair clip, Sarah Chapman Dynamic Defence Tinted Moisturiser, Hourglass Mascara, Laura Mercier Concealer, LF Markey boiler suit, Victoria’s Secret bra, Stripe + Stare knickers, Reebok trainers. It’s a marketing profile, sometimes voiced by a Don Draper type – ‘There goes ABC1 north-west London woman…’

4. Have a romcom soundtrack playing in our heads during workouts. Not Rocky in his grey tracksuit. This is the transformation sequence. We are going from lumpy and sex-starved to lithe and let’s-get-it-on in order to live happily ever after. This particular halfhour (11 minutes if we’re honest) on the cross trainer represents the halfway point. There is everything to play for.

5. Get into the bath and think there is a murderer on the stairs. We look forward to our baths like ravening beasts. We’ve got in and twiddled the taps with our toes to perfect the temperature. We’ve got Cornish Living Sea Therapy Bath Salts and a book. We slip in... and immediately imagine a masked killer is creeping up the stairs. So that’s relaxing.

6. Lie in bed planning what to wear to a royal christening, or wedding. We have no interest in the royals and even less interest in going to one of their extremely expensive occasions. People generally look a bit odd and very uncomfortable. But if we were to be invited… would this be an Erdem moment? Or is Valentino more appropriate? And the hat? Hmmmm – dramatic or precise? All the while we are extremely grateful that we will never actually have to go.

7. Imagine how great life would have been if we’d married Mark Ronson. It could have all been so different.

8. Say goodnight to newsreaders. There’s Huw, Cathy, Jon and Krish on the screen and once they’ve told you all about the country’s current nervous breakdown, they say ‘goodnight’. And we say, ‘Night,’ right back. It’s only polite.

9. Send kisses to ourselves. At the bottom of those email-reminders we send ourselves to nudge our memories: budget report x; meeting with Geoff from HR x; tampons x. That’s how needy we’ve become. We just need someone to be nice to us. Even if it’s us.

10. Fill fantasy online shopping baskets. At Lakeland, the National Theatre, Marks & Spencer, and Mr & Mrs Smith for minibreaks we can’t afford. Do we even need to mention match.com? An entire other life just there, inside the checkout… themidult.com