THE REAL FESTIVAL SURVIVAL KIT

FRESH LINEN

We know of several Midults who take no prisoners with their festival linen. No sleeping bags for them, not even those tiny ones that people survive Everest in. Instead it’s an inflatable mattress, sheets, duvet and pillows (with pillow protector, of course: we are not animals). All ironed, naturally.

25 PORTABLE CHARGERS

You are no amateur. You need your phone fully charged and available for Instagram opportunities at all times, and also to be able to put in place your exit plan. Not end up stranded like some drunk, idiotic Bear Grylls.

PLAN B (AND POSSIBLY PLAN C)

Just the slightest hint of rain and it’s plan B: a room in a nearby B&B. Failing that, home. You are too, erm, ‘experienced’ to be discon-tented.

NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

Like the children of rock stars you will not make it through unscathed without a little sound control – think of them as a padded cell for your soul. Also very useful if you find your tent pitched next to Rhys Ifans’ tent circa 2007, as one poor Midult did. She has never been the same since...

CAFETIERE

You are going to need a lot of coffee and you are not going to be able to handle the queue. The big queue. The big, long, faraway queue.

PANTS

Multipacks of multipacks. Nothing feels better than a boxfresh pair of knickers. Everyone agrees. You could become a festival dealer: a cleanknicker dealer. Good lord, you’ll make millions.

FLOSS

Like airport calories, festival calories do not count. However you will need to floss out all the remains of the pulled pork/quinoa.