WHICH FESTIVAL IS RIGHT FOR YOU?

1. Port Eliot

You like people to know that you read a book once. Or wrote one. You probably have a title. Or want one. So brush off your vintage Chloé and off to Cornwall you go… chopper, chopper.

2. Burning Man

You look extremely good in metallic leggings and wings. You want to experience the postapocalyptic Mad Max desert. Straight from Silicon Valley, via private plane.

3. Glastonbury

You are only just recovering from that incident two years ago with the ‘vitamins’. But hey, all your cells have regenerated by now and you’ve dug out your tie-dye. Plus you’ve decided that you really like music.

4. Any festival in Croatia

Trance, house, dance, techno. You are a MANIAC. At least you’ll come back thinner. So much thinner.

5. Camp Bestival

You have children. But you’re damned if they’re going to stop you having a good time. They do stop you having a good time. Next year… Latitude.

6. Reading

You have just finished your GCSES. You will probably need medical attention.

7. Wilderness

You are a frightful foodie. And a Tory. Plus it’s right next to Wink’s/mouse’s/poo’s cottage so you don’t have to camp. Or stay longer than an hour.