The Midults’ guide to…
Being a homeowner
The world is divided into those who wash the dishes before they put them in the dishwasher and those who throw them in crusty as hell
The stairs are not just the stairs. They are an exhausting manifestation of all our failure. It’s Kilimanjaro base camp every time we try to leave the house – complete with oxygen deprivation from climbing, climbing, climbing. Forgetting phone, socks, documents, headphones, Kindle, make-up bag, watch, meds, floss, jumper, less ouchy bra, heels, flats, CBD roll-on oil, hairband, mind. In Japan they sell disposable paper bracelets so, when you are about to ascend the stairs, you can write your mission on the bracelet and avoid the ‘Why am I standing in my bedroom?’ crisis. The bungalow siren song strikes up...
Ooh it’s raining. Isn’t the sound of rain romantic? Not when you sit inside, rigid with tension, wondering if the latest patch-job will hold out. And, if it does, will the rain simply carve a new way into your house? If only we were so adept at finding new neural paths. The rain knows exactly where it’s going and why. The rain wouldn’t mind the stairs.
YOUR SPOT ON THE SOFA
It’s the bit with the most defeatedlooking cushions because you are on the sofa more than anyone else, even though you are INCREDIBLY BUSY. Can you swap the cushions around and still be sure of sofa territory? If a visitor sits in your place then how do you not mind? And how insane is it to say, ‘Ummm, sorry, that’s my place’? The nice ones will always say, ‘So, which is your place?’ That’s how you know they are your people.
THE BAD MIRROR
Emilie has a bad mirror in her downstairs loo. Maybe it’s the glass curvature or the fact that it sits right underneath the cold heart of a spotlight, exposing every flawful bump and line and niggle... Or maybe it’s because the smallness of the sink means she can get really, really close. Whatever the reason, this is the one she chooses to consult. Because she is mean to herself. Annabel rarely looks in the mirror. Too stressful.
THE DODGY DOOR HANDLE
This is usually on the bathroom door. And if you forget that it is dodgy (possibly while wriggling out of a jumpsuit) you will definitely be stuck in the bathroom – possibly for ever. But you still don’t fix it. Is it because you enjoy hearing people plaintively crying your name while you’re stuck in there?
Sash windows are so charming. Until they start giving it the full Wuthering Heights, complete with death rattle and Arctic breeze that ripples along the curtains. We’re cold, so we should invest in those ugly, hermetically sealing ones. And why are the windows so dirty? Why is rain so dirty? Annabel has Gary the window cleaner on a rolling appointment (like she used to do with waxes/nails/hair), but Emilie has never had her windows cleaned. She has lived in her house for eight years. In case you missed that, Emilie has never had her windows cleaned.
THE AIRING CUPBOARD
Nothing bad happens here. Sorry, nothing bad happens in Annabel’s airing cupboard. Sometimes she opens the doors, has a look at the folded piles, feels better and shuts the doors. Sometimes Emilie does this with Annabel’s airing cupboard. This is because Emilie’s airing cupboard isn’t an airing cupboard. It’s a cupboard with a large pile of ‘clean’ things on the floor. Not folded. Not separated into different sections. Just a creased mountain of ‘clean’ things.
Everyone has a favourite burner, right? Whether it’s for a stir-fry or boiling an egg? Emilie’s is back right, which is obviously the best one. Annabel’s is front right, which is obviously the best one.
The world is divided into those who wash the dishes before they put them in the dishwasher and those who throw them in crusty as hell. You know what you are.
THE WASHING MACHINE
Emilie is in an intense, co-dependent relationship with her washing machine, which will only drain two out of three washes and only works on two settings. And it keeps changing its mind about which two. So she plays a constant game of washing roulette with how big a load, which cycle, does she have time for a quick spin and drain? It’s temperamental, hysterical (the beeping, the beeping), but Emilie keeps holding on. She makes jokes about it. Annabel is not amused. themidult.com