Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:

Dear A&E, I am worried about my wife’s drinking but don’t know how to address it. We’ve been together for 15 years, have two kids (aged eight and 10), and we’ve always enjoyed a bottle. But recently she was drunk and crying at a friend’s birthday, and confessed that she’d had a blackout at a school fair and doesn’t remember taking the kids home. She’s started shouting and throwing things. I don’t want to be a killjoy, but I’m concerned. How do I say something without sounding sanctimonious? — Worried

Dear Worried, we can see you are in a very difficult, painful position. We know this from the bottom of our hearts because we too have experienced the agony of watching people we love battle with drink, unsure of whether they are going to win.

EMILIE: Speaking as someone who gave up alcohol over 13 years ago, I understand the horrible pattern of self-loathing and unreliability. I spent years punishing myself with booze, and also drinking to be anyone other than me, to feel anything other than what I felt: lost, confused, alone, not good enough. I watched a family member set fire to their life over and over again, too, until it killed them.

But it didn’t end there – alcoholism leaves a toxic legacy: in hyper-alert children who are always checking the emotional temperature of the room; in the broken-hearted, who wonder why they never came first. Why they weren’t enough for the drinker to stop.

ANNABEL: Despite the havoc they wreak, drinkers need compassion. They can’t help it; they are sick. It is so hard to watch. And it makes no sense: why is a sober life such anathema that they’d rather lurch from one horror hangover to another, pretending they are having. So. Much. Fun? Your wife doesn’t sound like she is having fun, though she may only be going through a severe emotional episode, rather than addiction. Perhaps a spot of therapy – rather than recovery – will straighten her out.

So, what to do…

Of course you feel sanctimonious. Suddenly you are the prosecco police. But cajoling, threatening, begging, shouting, pleading will only make you miserable and her defensive,

One of the biggest delusions people have is that the children haven’t noticed

then secretive. It’s probably best to talk to her when she is happy. Not when she is hungover or after she’s messed up, because then she’ll be coated in shame. Try to place it in a positive context: ‘I love it when you are yourself and really here!’ She will almost certainly react badly. But at least she will know that you know. And you can go from there.

Your own ability to survive this time could be bolstered by group therapy for those troubled by others’ addictions. Have a look at organisations like Al-anon or Adfam, which support families affected by addicts.

Now to the children. One of the biggest delusions that people have in the grip of addiction, or anything that takes their focus away from their family, is that the children haven’t noticed. Just because Mummy is still making packed lunches and not falling-down drunk. Believe us, they have.

Psychotherapist Douglas Vaughan, who we spoke to about your situation, says, ‘Kids grow antennae… They check which version of “Mum” is present and they adapt; they tune out of their own world and shift into who they need to be in order to either get attention from the parent or avoid it. And that is the devastation.’

Even if your wife is unwilling to get help or tells your children that she’s fine, they know she isn’t and you need to be consistent. The key is communication. Talk to them carefully, but with the emotions (anger, fear, hurt) carefully syringed out so that you are left with fact and security: you will do everything you can to help; they are safe with you.

If in doubt, a therapist can help you with the right words (you can find one on the brilliant website welldoing.org). And if your wife is willing to seek help too, Clinical Partners (clinical-partners.co.uk) is an excellent place to start.

There is no way of knowing what shape the next few months or years will take. You are just going to have to take it one day at a time.