What kind of midlife hedonist are you?

THE RAVE MUMS

They’re fully signed-up members of Drink Free Days, an app that helps you cut down your units, but it’s still very much ‘work in progress’. Rave mums have been known to spend Saturday morning in bed with a banging hangover and lie to their kids/mothers-inlaw/partners they’ve caught a tummy bug. Once a year they will book a detoxing spa day with the girls, but spend most of the time retoxing around the pool bar. They’ll happily party the night away, even midweek, but only if it’s a ‘pub with comfy sofas that serves nice nuts’. Don’t expect an invite unless you are part of their Whatsapp gang, though – this group keeps its social plans very much on the qt.

THE DOWN WITH THE KIDS

‘All my friends are millennials,’ is this tribe’s mantra, only they’re not really. These midlife hedonists often find, much to their chagrin, that a lot of the kids these days don’t drink, smoke or have any vices at all. In their words, they ‘don’t know how to have fun’.

THE EVERGROOVERS

They’re the ones in the expensive seats at a Liam Gallagher/ Westlife/simple Minds comeback concert, waving their lighters around. The lighters in question have been fished from kitchen drawers as they gave up smoking yonks ago. At festivals? You can’t move for ’em. You’ll find them streaming George Michael hits on their laptops in the (Wi-fi-connected) glamping field, wearing (freshly ironed) band T-shirts. Day festivals – anything ’80s- or ’90s-themed – are where Evergroovers are in their element. After all, camping is so bad for the back.

THE FREEBIRDS

The kids have left and – woohoo – life can now begin, with knobs on. They are not not ‘empty nesters’, they are bona-fide ‘freebirds’, with a full fridge, well-stocked bar trolley and super-tidy house. They are freeeeee, which means they can now stay out all night and drink irresponsibly. They can take a year out to travel the world. They can jump out of planes. Buy a motorbike. Do whatever. They. Damn. Well. Want. Well, they could in theory, but... there’s the mortgage, bills and also the kids are coming home this weekend to be fed. That fridge by Sunday? Empty…

THE FITNESS FREAKS

Middle-age spread, what middle-age spread? These gym bunnies have poured their energies into being leaner, faster and altogether fitter than the younger generation (although they’re still partial to a glass of wine). No Parkruns for them, it’s Tough Mudders, ultramarathons and Barry’s Bootcamps. Keep up.