The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - The Telegraph Magazine
‘It took me 37 years to leave my loveless marriage’
A snap decision one Saturday morning led Sue Plumtree, then 60, to finally walk away from her unhappy relationship – and when she took the plunge, a new world (and partner) awaited
It wasn’t until I started seeing a life coach that I realised how unhappy Iwas
I first realised that Jim had stopped caring for me on the day of my graduation. For weeks I’d been looking forward to receiving my certificate in higher education in a cap and gown – I was a mature student and had left school at 14. But Jim was so late that we ran into the theatre just before my name was called, my blood pressure sky-high. Looking around at other families smiling and laughing, I felt a surge of sadness. His lateness made me feel unloved – something I’d been feeling more and more – but I swallowed down my feelings.
Jim and I had met at a concert in London when I was 20 and he was 30. We got chatting and I was struck by his beautiful green eyes and dimples. He turned up to one of our first dates with a cold and I took him back to his, and put him to bed, realising that I’d fallen for him.
We married four months later and at first everything was wonderful. We shared an interest in food, loved trying out new recipes and hosting dinner parties. But after we moved to Gloucester for Jim’s work, I became lonely and depressed. Jim was distracted by his new job and I found it hard to find one – I’d given up my career and friends to follow him.
When I was diagnosed with bulimia, it took me a year to tell Jim, and he just said, ‘Pull your socks up.’ By then I felt utterly isolated. Neither did we discuss it when we couldn’t have children and the tests came back inconclusive.
Even so, I still tried to make our marriage work, tucking romantic notes into Jim’s lunchbox. But he seemed uninterested in sex, and gradually I felt more unattractive. He’d sometimes put his arm around me when we were watching telly and I’d tell myself that was enough.
It wasn’t until I started seeing a life coach that I realised how unhappy
I was. I’d sought out a coach to help improve my friendships, but gradually talk turned to my marriage and I knew I had to leave Jim.
I was 60 by the time I left. We’d been married for 37 years and hadn’t had sex for 15. It was a Saturday morning in June, and we were in our sitting room at home when I suddenly blurted out, ‘I’m leaving.’ There was no dramatic final trigger; I was just spurred on by incidents such as my graduation, as well as the coaching. Jim sat there, a look of quiet acceptance on his face. With a tremor in his voice, he said, ‘But what’s going to happen to me?’ There were no pleas. Simply disbelief.
That night, I moved into our spare room and stayed there until we sold the house 11 months later. It was a tense time. I slept and ate dinner in the guest room, as it was difficult to face Jim. Often he’d ask, ‘Why are you throwing all this away?’ I’d wonder, throwing what away? But he never once tried to win me back.
Getting over it wasn’t easy. For the next two years I struggled, but gradually I resettled, making a home in Richmond and challenging myself to new adventures such as paragliding. I also started a group called Come Lunch with Me to make new friends and met a lovely man called Paul, also a divorcee. He’s a great problemsolver and very curious.
In August, I proposed, and we got married in November. We’ve decided to live apart on weekdays, even though we love each other dearly, as our schedules are completely different, but we spend weekends at mine.
Looking back, I don’t regret my first marriage. Jim died in October 2013, but shortly before, he got in touch to ask for some translation help (he’d moved to Spain, and didn’t speak the language). Even after we separated, we both knew that if one of us needed the other, the other was always there.
That marriage showed me what it takes to make a relationship work: knowing and properly valuing the other person and also knowing yourself. Finally, at 74, I’ve learnt those things – it’s just taken time to get here. Sue contributed to Bolder, by Dominique Afacan and Helen Cathcart, which is out now (Hardie Grant, £12.99)