THE NEW LINE-UP

THE DUCHESS OF CORNWALL It’s controversial, I know, but I’m doing away with Charles. Don’t come at me with your ‘laws of succession’, ‘divine right of kings’ whining – in the slimmed-down monarchy we only want the best of the best, and if that means upending tradition, so be it. Camilla stays, Charles goes. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. Well, I do, but you know what I mean.

THE DUCHESS OF YORK Regrettably, I’ve found no room for Prince Andrew in this future monarchy, nor for his children, who I’m certain can just up their hours at their jobs. But back into the fold comes their mother, for entertainment value alone. Think of it as like Elvis’s ’68 Comeback

Special, or when Peter Mandelson returned after four years in Brussels. Goosebump-inducing stuff.

PRINCESS ANNE

As if Anne was going anywhere. She and Camilla are the heartbeat of this family; I want them sans husbands and running things, especially the state visits of Donald Trump and their own wardrobes. They can be co-queens, alternating at some events, while at others, such as the Queen’s Speech, performing as a caustic duet, like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler in massive hats.

PRINCESS CHARLOTTE High, high hopes for what Charlotte can do, based on some very strong early waving performances and reports she ‘rules the roost’ at home. That kind of precocity is what drives success, and under a new, incentive-based model, I feel certain that, if she stays on the rails, she could go all the way: yes, become Queen. Ahead of George. There’s the carrot, Chaz.

PRINCE GEORGE There may be tantrums when he learns I’ve had to let his parents go (not dynamic enough, sorry), and even more when he hears what’s happened to Louis (I had no need for a third child, so he has regretfully been put on gardening leave), but once he’s over it, I feel certain PG Tips will flourish as the youthful, shorts-wearing imp this family needs. Progressing well.

THE EARL OF WESSEX Look, I didn’t want him in either. Sub-par for decades; qualities you could list on a stamp. But can you imagine what Prince Edward would do without being in the Royal family? It’d be like releasing a pug in the savannah and hoping it can survive. I cannot have that on my conscience. He has to stay.

THE COUNTESS OF WESSEX The Queen’s favourite newcomer of the last 50 years (oh come on, you can tell) learned on the job and hasn’t put a foot wrong, so she carries on, with an enhanced role. She has a background in PR and I want her heading up comms for the Palace from now on. That’ll save cash, and we in the media would at least know who to call for a quote.

MIKE TINDALL Zara was in, right up until she got that speeding ticket: we cannot have such ill-discipline in the new regime. Instead it’s Tindall, a man who has come a long way since he was fined for ‘throwing a dwarf ’ in a New Zealand bar, who gets the spot. He could do a bit of bodyguarding to keep costs down. And he’s hardly going to misbehave with his mother-in-law in charge.