Asking for a friend

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Q: Dear A&E, My husband of 35 years is driving me mad. We were Ok-ish during the first lockdowns, but now cabin fever has hit. I’m so cooped up and have run out of things to say to him. We also keep arguing as he insists on strolling to the shop daily for wine or chocolate, whereas I’m trying to limit our shopping to once a week to minimise risk. I find this selfish, he thinks I’m overbearing. We can’t agree what to eat, what to watch and have retreated to separate rooms; when we do come together, everything is an exhausting battle. Help. — Tearing My Hair Out

Dear Tearing My Hair Out (TMHO), we are all slowly going out of our minds aren’t we? Every lockdown has had a different flavour, and this one, to us, feels the most intense. We are suffering from emotional fatigue and, in many cases, extreme nervousness. There’s a constant thrum of anxiety that may be stopping us from sleeping and/or seeing things rationally and we are all tearing our hair out. So we hear you. We are completely on your side. Thing is, though, TMHO, we are completely on his side, too.

Marriage vows say, ‘In sickness and in health, for richer for poorer,’ but they don’t say ‘In the third lockdown amid a global pandemic, which means that even a trip to the shop can turn into a micro-aggression.’

The way his lockdown three is manifesting is to try to hold on to the tiniest bit of freedom legally offered to him and that is a trip to the shops. Sometimes just hearing another voice asking if you are paying contactless is enough to ignite a little connection. Or even just the walk itself. Something to help him feel less boxed in. Totally understandable. On the other hand, trying to minimise contact with the outside world is also completely understandable. Neither of you are doing anything wrong, but there are obviously consequences to the other: you feel his walks are reckless and are exacerbating your stress; your caution is increasing his claustrophobia.

Throw in the endless questions and mini-debates: ‘What are we going to eat/watch/do tonight?’ and you have a toxic recipe for friction and dullness. A boring, slowly escalating problem that is turning your home into a hostile environment. And given that the outside world is currently hostile, how can you find your way back to a place of safety, together?

Well, first you need to start a new conversation because the current one isn’t working. It might go something like this: ‘This is really hard, us being cooped up together, and I feel as if we

While he is not going to want to sacrifice his little freedom, he is also not going to throw off his marriage for a walk or a Twix

have lost our way a little. This pandemic isn’t going to last for ever, but I want us to last for ever. I acknowledge that my fear is flexing my control issues and that this is hard on you.’ While he is not going to want to sacrifice his little freedom, he is also not going to throw off his marriage for a walk or a Twix. So perhaps tell him again that you are terribly frightened and could he wear a mask outside and leave his shoes and shopping outside for a bit and have a shower – whatever might assuage your fears?

Also, how about this? From now on you have a week of ‘yes’ nights – where every other night one of you gets to choose what’s for dinner and something to watch, and both of you have to say yes. Because suffering his signature curry and depressing documentary probably won’t hurt more than separate rooms or separate dinners.

Why not find a holiday that you both loved and recreate the atmosphere – Greek islands? Eat Greek food, wear Greek-ish clothes, and watch Mamma Mia! A party for two where no one is feeling judged or judge-y.

Because enough with the judgement, TMHO. Your irritation is written all over your email to us. Try, and we mean this with absolute love, to let go of control. Not in the ‘I wash my hands of you’ way, but rather with the understanding that he is suffering as much as you. And maybe, with a light touch and playfulness, you’ll find the trail of breadcrumbs back through the dark, scary woods.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally