Asking for a friend Your problems solved by The Midults

Annabel Rivkin and Emilie Mcmeekan

Q:Dear A&E, shortly after we met, my partner told me he never wanted children. This was fine with me: I had just divorced and had two children of my own (now nine and 15). He spent a lot of time with the children over lockdown, but it was a massive shock when he told me that he wanted a baby. Part of me thinks this is another chance at a happy family life, the other part of me thinks it’s a terrible idea. We are both 42 and I feel massively under pressure to come to a decision. I’m worried about my eldest with his GCSES and a screaming baby in the house. My ex-husband still causes trouble and there would definitely be some issues there. Please help! — Pressured

Dear Pressured, as you well know, life is never the same again after each and every baby. They are like little bombs that explode life as we know it with their arrival. Then, just as we think we might have a grip on things, they fire off new grenades with depressing irregularity. They affect everything – our self-esteem, emotional equilibrium, financial stability, energy levels, health, attention span, our social lives, our sex lives – to mention just a few. They establish an unequivocal ownership over us from the moment the pregnancy test gives us a positive result. And then... boom! We’re off. No one really knows what will happen next. And so we truly understand your panic and your low-level sense of betrayal because your partner seems to have moved the goalposts. But we must all allow each other to change.

Added to that is the pressure of your age, which means a real lack of wriggle room. And, because you are already a mother, you have the pressure of safedoubt. guarding your existing children’s wellbeing, your relationship, your own hopes and dreams, as well as your exhusband’s combustibility. It is quite the pressure cocktail.

Nobody – least of all us – can ever tell you whether or not to have a child. It is rarely wise to have one to make someone else happy, but it would also be short-sighted to turn your back on getting pregnant because of GCSES. There is a whole universe of evermoving parts and most of them are currently fizzing in your brain.

The pandemic and its myriad lockdowns may have given your boyfriend an idyllic view of family life: everyone at home having dinner together; no airports or railway stations with a proliferation of shrieking infants and exhausted-looking parents lugging vast sacks of kid-kit; no harried rushing from pillar to post.

But it’s time to pick apart what is real and what is not and we would advise some couples’ counselling in order to air every hope and every

Your boyfriend seems to have moved the goalposts. But we must all allow each other to change

For example, you say in your longer letter that neither of you is willing to sell your house even though they are both too small for another child. In terms of commitment, houses are nothing compared to babies. If you’re both in, you’re both in.

Babies make for knotty times. Yes, they bring utter joy, but they also bring stress. Do you want another baby? Does the thought make you feel excited? Because this will be a leap of faith. Your relationship may or may not survive. It’s always worth considering whether you would be prepared to go it alone or if, after one divorce, that feels like too much to ask of yourself. By the way, don’t let the trauma of that divorce run your life. You can deal with your exhusband when the time comes.

Get your fertility checked so that you have some idea of where you stand and try to talk to your boyfriend about everything you feel. He may, now that the world has started turning again, let go of the idea of fatherhood and further commit to your existing children. He may be so determined to have a child that, if you decide you can’t do this, he will feel the need to go and get one. You do not mention once in your letter whether you are in love with this man, whether he is reliable or whether he makes you happy. Double-down on those things, Pressured, and all should become clearer.

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally