Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:Dear A&E, last month I overheard my grown-up son discussing the numerous women he is ‘ juggling’. I spoke to my daughter about it and she confirmed that this wasn’t just bravado. I understand that he has cheated on his past girlfriends – both lovely women who my husband and I were fond of – and has ‘ghosted’ others. I tried to have a conversation with him, but he shrugged it off, arguing that this is how people are these days. It’s certainly not how his dad and I raised him, and it’s upsetting to witness. He has his own f lat, a good job in IT, nice friends, but he’s 29, so should have long grown out of this. How would you approach this? — Disappointed

Dear Disappointed, it’s very shocking and hurtful when someone you love more than anything in the world seems to be living according to values that you don’t share. This is one of the common myths of parenting: that we can somehow download everything we believe into our children and that they will be our emotional clones, reacting identically to external situations and pressures. But we are not computers. And our children are not mobile phones. We assume they will output according to our input, but sometimes they simply go another way. So, here we are.

It seems to us that every generation thinks that younger generations have less morality, less backbone than their own. But there’s always been room for callous behaviour. Hearts have been broken for millennia. Sexual misbehaviour is the stuff of Shakespeare and Greek tragedy – it’s not unique to Love Island or 2021. Young people just have different words for it – ‘ghosting’, for example. And we’ve all been cowards in love: avoided a call; stood someone up; been careless with someone else’s feelings to make ourselves feel better. It’s only now we are older that we understand how taking responsibility for our actions feels better.

But, hey, we are wiser and have been bashed around a bit. He is 29, so his behaviour is not ideal. But people are not ideal. It is messy, this business of finding out who you are and what you want, particularly at these transition ages. He is out there in the wilderness, trying everything on for size. If he were not slightly bewildering you, it would mean he was repressing his personality in order to live the life you had imagined for him. ‘Disappointed’ is a big word when directed at a child. Use it with caution.

So, what to do with your feelings? First, let’s take a step back and get a little perspective. You were not supposed to be party to the conversation that you overheard and we all modulate our tone and style depending on the listener. Remember that. It sounds to us as if your son is doing well – he has a good job, nice friends, his own flat. He is thriving. Would you be more or less worried if he were regularly being sacked, had addiction issues, were lonely or in debt? As far as you know, he is not controlling or abusive. He is probably being ghosted and juggled himself, too.

Having said all that, there is nothing wrong with reminding your son that kindness is everything. Playing with hearts might feel like fun at the time, but later, when your past is strewn with metaphorical corpses, it doesn’t feel great. So, have a chat. Do it on a walk or in the car, so you don’t have to make eye contact. Voice your concerns in a way that is not shaming but, rather, loving: ‘I am so proud of you. I hope you’re having a good time and that along the way you are being kind.’

Yes, the hook-ups are available and the dating apps make it easy to walk away – but it’s not just a test and release from emotional quarantine. The feelings stack up.

Remind him that girls are people – and people are precious. Digitalisation makes it seem easy to switch feelings on and off, but in the end, thank goodness, we are humans, not hard drives. He may not listen. But he will hear.

There is nothing wrong with reminding your son that kindness is everything, but voice your concerns in a loving way

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally