Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:Dear A&E, this is ridiculous but… I’m jealous of my new partner’s dog. The dog – let’s call her Susie – goes everywhere with him, and dictates where we holiday, when we eat, even when we wake up. We can’t sit on the sofa together; Susie squashes in the middle. If I’m affectionate towards him, Susie growls. I’m paranoid that she dislikes me, and my partner treats her like a child. Writing this sounds bonkers and saying it to my partner would sound even worse. But red setters have a lifespan of 12 to 15 years, so I’ve got another decade of this. How do I get over it? — Dog-tired Cat Lover

Dear Dog-tired Cat Lover, some of the hardest problems to crack are the ones that make you feel foolish or ridiculous. Well, we don’t think you sound barking at all. Now that we have thrown you that bone (sorry, we’ll stop now), let us tell you why.

Every new relationship brings new relationships. Interchange Susie the red setter with Susie the difficult mother-in-law/tricky sibling/clingy best friend/bratty daughter and you have a host of complex histories and pre-existing dynamics. A relationship is a relationship. Not only that, but all relationships need boundaries.

You’ve found someone you could love. The sheer treasure of it. And he also loves something else. If you’ve only just met, who knows what Susie has seen your partner through? She will have been his solace on the sofa, with her chin on his knee, showing him that he’s going to get through the day. Dogs allow people to feel very free. Unjudged. Truly themselves.

So back to the swap. If you were to switch Susie the red setter for Susie the child, what would you do? A child from a previous relationship would dictate where you holiday, when you eat, when you wake up… You would be at the mercy of the kind of emotional fluctuations and territorial behaviour that would make Susie the sofa-spreader seem like a mere scatter cushion. And what would you do? You would try your darndest to form a relationship with the child; to love the child; to create a space for you and her as well as space for her and him. So it’s only a dog? It’s never only a dog.

Now at this point we must declare an interest. Emilie is a late-blooming dog bore. She has become obsessed with her dog (Billy, mutt, five). Things she has learnt have surprised her – the dog has a different yet still rewarding relationship with every member of the household, according to their needs and boundaries. And all she wants is for others to love Billy.

When your partner can see that you care about the dog, your opinion will have more weight. Right now, you are the interloper, not Susie. The object is to do the best for everybody: you, him and the dog. His relationship with Susie has enriched him, because that is what relationships do. Time to let your relationship with Susie enrich you. Many of us are currently operating at 90 per cent paranoia that people don’t like us – thanks to added pandemic-induced social anxiety – and you may be projecting your own new-relationship anxiety on to Susie. She will be fine with you. You just need to spend some time alone with her. Create some boundaries that work for you both. It’s never too late to set a boundary.

Sit down with your partner. Say something along the lines of, ‘I’ve been feeling ridiculous, but now I realise it’s not ridiculous. I care a lot about you – you care a lot about the dog. Are you up for me having a relationship with the dog?’ Then start walking.

We are all hobbled by the stories we tell ourselves about the way romance should be: that you meet and move in together; that you get a dog together; have a child together. It’s as though, romantically, we are all stuck at the age of 19; we assume that we will have a clean slate, every time. But nothing happens in a straight line, and a grown-up coming to a relationship without any messy/awkward bits – well that’s a red flag, isn’t it? So he already has a dog? We know he can commit to something. Now all you need to do is take the initiative.

When your partner can see that you care about the dog, your opinion will have more weight

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally