My Saturday

The comedian, 62, on his passion for Middlesbrough FC, gentle rambles and The Real Housewives

Comedian Bob Mortimer on his love of sweet tea, football and Real Housewives

7am First thing, I say hello to the cats Goodmonson and Mavis – they’re Oriental with big ears – and then I put on my nicotine patch. I started smoking when I was 12 but when I had my heart operation I stopped [Bob had a triple heart bypass in 2015]. I’m obsessed with my first cup of tea: a cup of strong Marks & Spencer English Breakfast with milk and six sugars. 7.30am I’ll spend 20 minutes looking at Twitter and Instagram. I don’t watch the television news any more as it can be very depressing. I wrote my book [And Away…] during the pandemic. It’s me collecting my memories. Whenever I’ve appeared on Would I Lie To You? people seemed to have enjoyed my stories about when I was a kid. 8am For 28 Saturdays a year I’ll either be travelling up to Middlesbrough or somewhere in the country to watch them [the football team] play. I’ll go with one of my boys: Tom, 22, who works in music, and Harry, 24, who’s training to be an architect. If it’s a non-football day, I’ll probably watch Breaking Bad or Better Call Saul while my wife Lisa has a lie-in. I wear whatever I’ve been wearing on Thursday and Friday. I change my undies and socks, obviously. My shirts are from Untuckit, Uniqlo and I’ve just got a fishing shirt from Barbour. [Bob’s new series of Gone Fishing with Paul Whitehouse is on BBC2.] 1pm If I’m peckish, I might have beans on toast or a ham sandwich. I’ll then go rambling – a three-mile walk near where I live in Tunbridge Wells. If I’m in Middlesbrough I’ll have a pie at the Cleveland Tontine restaurant. 3pm If I’m at home I’ll have a six-hour football marathon on TV until 9pm. My wife is very tolerant of my football addiction – she’ll ask me to choose a kick-off time and will make our tea for then. I have to watch what I eat because of my heart. I’m not allowed all the delicious things, from pork pies to fry-ups. 5pm If I’m at a match, I’ll come out sad or happy, then listen to podcasts on the way back. 9pm Lisa and I watch The Real Housewives, which is wonderful. My favourite is the York City one. 10.30pm We very rarely go out, maybe twice a year. I go to bed.

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