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‘I think my love for Papa is almost a religion’
An exclusive extract from Mary Churchill’s diaries
The wartime diaries of Winston Churchill’s youngest daughter Mary give a fascinating – and intimate – insight into the iconic Prime Minister’s family life. Here we reveal the first of three extracts, introduced and edited by her daughter Emma Soames, previewing exclusively in The Telegraph this weekend and Monday
MY MOTHER WAS JUST 16 YEARS OLD when, in 1939, she resolved to keep a diary. The early entries capture the innocence of the last days of her childhood, spent in comparative isolation in the beautiful countryside around Chartwell, the family home in Kent. By then, the three elder Churchill siblings – Randolph, Diana and Sarah – had all left home, but Mary was living with her parents, moving
first from Chartwell to Admiralty House and thence to No 10 Downing Street. Thanks to her assiduous journaling, it is not long before the reader of these diaries is eavesdropping on history as she describes great events as viewed from her father’s elbow.
The most powerful thread that runs right through the diaries is Mary’s admiration of her father. Her feelings for him intensified when she saw up close his conduct of the war, when she came to appreciate the stresses he was under, carrying an often secret and always great burden of the destiny of this country, while the brilliance of his speeches left my mother in awe of his intellect and his personality.
After his adept speech to the Commons winding up the censure debate in 1942, she writes, ‘I think my love and admiration of Papa is almost a religion to me – I sometimes
feel I cannot hold the emotions I have for him.’ Thus the guiding force of her personality became Mary’s determination never to let her father down. Following her first public speech, when she launched Westerham War Weapons Week in February 1941 aged
19, she said, ‘I could not help feeling mighty proud of Papa – because it was all for him. And it made me determined to do him credit
– and so to behave that he would not have to make excuses for his daughter.’
This determination coloured her behaviour throughout the war and stayed with her for the rest of her life: she never forgot who she was and the responsibilities that went with being her father’s daughter. When I sometimes accompanied her on public engagements 50 years later, as the moment came for her to perform, I could see her pulling herself up to her full height to channel even more intensely her love for her father and her sense of duty to burnish and protect his memory.
In supporting her father, she was doing the same for her occasionally fragile mother, the clever, elegant Clementine, who found the hectic life of a wartime PM’S consort occasionally frazzling. Mary, who loved her mother deeply, became a frequent understudy for her
at dinners and events when Clementine took to her bed. Thus, both her mother and her father came to rely on their youngest daughter increasingly. Mary understood this and her decision to join the Auxiliary Territorial Service (ATS) was made agonising for her as she worried about leaving her parents.
It marked a major turning point in her life. ‘I firmly averred that “as long as I live I shall never never regret joining the ATS” – and I
never did,’ she reflected. The ATS had been formed in 1938 with the aim of allowing women to perform a variety of roles that freed up men for front-line service, including working on anti-aircraft batteries. By the summer of 1941, it had been granted full military status but was still manned by volunteers.
1942, from which this diary excerpt is taken, is a year that does not start well for the Allies. While the Japanese attack on Pearl
Harbor brings the United States into the conflict, it also leaves the British Empire in the east dangerously exposed to Japanese aggression. Churchill describes the subsequent fall of Singapore as a ‘heavy and far-reaching military defeat’. In fact, it is the largest single capitulation in the history of the British Army.
These events led to much criticism of the war direction in Parliament and the press, and Mary is in the gallery of the House of Commons at the beginning of July to see Churchill face down a vote of no confidence in his government. There are also tricky family tensions to navigate as Mary becomes embroiled in the breakdown of the relationship between her parents and her brother, Randolph. Then, after almost a year of training, Mary sees action for the first time and proves that she has inherited her father’s calmness under fire.
PART ONE OF THREE Further extracts of Mary Churchill’s diaries will appear in The Telegraph on 12 and 13 September
MONDAY 23 MARCH 1942
Luxuriated in bed till quarter to nine. Boiled egg and honey for breakfast. At 10 went to Marshalls for perm, manicure and eyebrow trimming. Set forth in search of cocktail dress AND MET A HONEY at Harvey Nichols for 15 gns. Wow! Dorville model navy blue and white striped coarse net over navy blue taffeta slip. Whoopee.
Went with Mummie and Nana to see Vivien Leigh in The Doctor’s Dilemma. Home to join Papa, Diana [Mary’s elder sister] and Duncan [Diana’s husband] who had already started dinner. Evening from here on was not a success. Papa tired, low and cross had row with Mummie. Then battle royal ensued between Papa, Mummie and Diana over Randolph. Randolph must go and rejoin his regiment if he is to save Papa from public resentment and disapproval which just at this moment he can so ill afford. I wrote to Randolph begging him to rejoin his regiment and then went to bed.
WEDNESDAY 25 MARCH
Shopped and raced back in time to go with Mummie to lunch at Soviet Embassy. Wore blue dress, fur coat and new hat. Arrived at Kensington Palace Gardens at same time as the fighter pilots who were being given the Order of Lenin. They were rather dreary looking and married or engaged.
At luncheon I sat between a colonel in the Russian army who could only speak very little English and a major in the Russian Air Force who was fascinating. There was delicious smoked salmon, and the drink was wonderful. VODKA, WHITE WINE, RED WINE and after the investiture CHAMPAGNE CUP!!! Afterwards I felt rather headachy but I sallied forth and shopped.
Mummie and I had supper in her room. Papa then told me Randolph had shown him the letter I’d written. I only said ‘Oh so he’s shown it to you’ and then I shut up. But a cold hand seemed to be laid on my heart. Why try to explain to Papa why I did it – I terribly regret Papa knowing. I must say I would have thought R would have had greater dignity than to go running to Papa.
Papa then proceeded to show me two secret telegrams which explained how justified R was in being over here. Oh darling Papa – why explain to me – I know as well as any of us that logically R is in the right and is perfectly justified both in having a staff job and being over here, but unfortunately the world doesn’t know these reasons and doesn’t judge kindly. I think the greatest misfortune in R’s life is that he is Papa’s son.
Papa has spoilt and indulged him and is very responsible, but R has never got over the disappointment of not being super remarkable, super successful and a genius. I don’t doubt he loves Papa but he shows it in a very queer way. But somehow I couldn’t tell all these things to Papa. He would have over born me and also R is his blind spot. He does not see him as we see him – we who love Randolph but know his sorrows, faults and failings. He thinks R is mistreated by the world and misjudged, that Mummie and prejudiced jealous sisters are all against R!
In the middle of Papa lecturing me in walked R and Pamela [Randolph’s wife]. R leaves for Cairo tomorrow. I said goodbye – il y avait un peu de gêne. Papa in a hoarse whisper tried to make me say something about it but I wouldn’t. But I vaguely promised I’d write to R about it.
I went to bed feeling calm but a little saddened. I will not relent.
SATURDAY 28 MARCH
Went at 09.45 with Papa who inspected the second division who are going on active service. It was a lovely drive. Papa talked to me for
‘Papa tired, low and cross had row with Mummie. Then battle royal ensued over Randolph’
about 20 mins on and off about Randolph – he was very cross but I didn’t answer back nor argue at all. Out of wisdom I hope – perhaps cowardice – & yet I somehow felt hopeless about making Papa see it at all as we see it.
A gaggle of generals & the Turkish ambassador (newly arrived) & his military attaché met Papa at a wayside inn. I saluted wildly in all directions & felt rather shy. The inspection was rather impressive. We watched a commando raid demonstration & anti-tank guns in action – wow the noise. Then we had tea in a sweet little country vicarage. And it suddenly gave me a longing for country life & the smell of hay & farmyards – & hot buttered toast & linen cupboards & children.
On return Lord and Lady Louis Mountbatten arrived for dinner. All through dinner news of the St Nazaire raid kept coming through. Thrilling. Saw Les Misérables after dinner. I thought bloody awful – Papa – the sweet – said ‘fine film’.
MONDAY 13 APRIL
Papa sent for me to talk to him while he was dressing for dinner. O heaven – something of that companionship has come back. I was able to say I had written to Randolph who has joined a sort of armoured skirmishing-come-parachute corps. O darling Randy, how terribly proud I am – we all are.
Had a sudden stab at dinner this evening
(when Papa talked of Chartwell) of homesickness and longing for the old life. I remember breakfast at 8 on hot midsummer mornings – Sarah, Nana and me round the small table in the dining room. Outside the Weald is drowned, submerged in mist and the sun struggles through – inside the amber floor and rush matting make pale golden lights. Papa in the water garden – cool and always there is the sound of dripping splashing water – dark secretive pools. Papa watching his goldfish-monsters and over the grey wall waves of scent from the roses come. The grass at Chartwell, the people at Chartwell, the lakes – the black swans – and that disproportioned irregular heavenly house.
THURSDAY 2 JULY
Very long and delicious lie in. Read papers thoroughly. Dressed in a hurry – Mummie and I went to the House. As I sat in the gallery & listened to all these carping voices – I watched the unhappy set of Papa’s shoulders – & my heart went out to him in his anxiety & grief. I know his mind is more with the battle in Egypt than here – in the House.
Sometimes I could scarcely control myself for rage at these little men – who have only jibes and criticisms to offer – For every one of these critics are little men – & failures. The only able one is Horeb [Leslie Hore-belisha (1893-1957), former Secretary of State for War, who was dismissed in Jan 1940] – and he’s crooked.
Nana, Mummie & I alone for lunch. Put on sterner hat for afternoon instead of hyacinth creation. Felt terribly tensed up. Mummie obviously feeling the strain. Horeb made a despicable speech – slimy – clever – opportunist – ugh. The House was terribly crowded – Members standing at all the doorways. Papa rose to speak at 3.30. His speech was a remarkable performance. Measured – exact – reasoned – dignified – & throughout an undertone of unalterable determination & sober hopefulness. I think my love and admiration of Papa is almost a religion to me – I sometimes feel I cannot hold the emotions I have for him. The House listened in rapt attention. Except for some of the critics – Eddie Winterton shrugging his shoulders & cracking his long fingers & smirking at Horeb. But Aneurin Bevan listening carefully & liking Papa’s points & jokes – but maintaining his Opposition standpoint. And then the division 475 to 25. And not as many abstentions as had been expected. Felt dazed & elated.
Went to Papa’s room – he was pleased. A crowd had gathered outside the House & Papa was greeted by encouraging waves. One man shouted, ‘You stick it Sir.’ Papa very much moved.
FRIDAY 10 JULY
O/sgt [Orderly sergeant] at 469 Battery, [Enfield]. Chilly & pouring with rain. Passionate arguments about commission question. I was asked about it several days ago – as soon as Judy came back we conferred. Regretfully we have decided to go – if we pass the Board. It means leaving behind so many things I truly value: Battery life, the girls and the men, the real people one meets – & the life that has made me feel a real person myself. It means losing the ‘glamour’ of being A sergeant A gunner girl. But I have a feeling that now I should take a commission.
SUNDAY 19 JULY
Was just going to retreat for siesta when Papa RANG ME UP himself & suggested he & Harry Hopkins should come down to battery. I was in a twitter & so excited. The site was wrapt in sunny Sunday afternoon ishness & Papa and Harry & Tommy all rolled up about 5.30. Papa was in his sunniest mood – & wearing a pale grey suit. Harry charming & debonair as always. It was a lovely visit & much more fun than when all the brass hats came traipsing round behind. The alarms were rung & we did a short show, which went very well. Then a quick tour of the camp which ended up in drinks in Sgts Mess. I felt so proud & happy that Papa should have thought to visit me.
TUESDAY 28 JULY
(WRITTEN IN RETROSPECT 20/8/42) 469 H(M) AA Battery RA WENT INTO ACTION AT 0136 hrs 29/7/42 and PIP section manning. Terribly thrilling. Rather breathless and not too frightened – just a little pang of agonising uncertainty and then a tearing roar & shaking & a vivid sheet of flame & hot air rushing past one & then just the smell & taste of cordite. And the girls were wonderful – but chattered rather a lot. But then as I was a little uncertain of myself I didn’t quite take charge of them as I should have done. But it’s all been worth it & I’m so glad I’ve been into action with the section before leaving the battery. I’VE BEEN INTO ACTION and I do thank God I didn’t panic.
In October, Mary and Judy travel to Windsor for a two-month officer-training course
SATURDAY 3 OCTOBER
Ed [Conklin, an American] came to camp in the evening & I felt all upside down. Spoke to him a little. Judy & I then sat in canteen drinking cocoa & planning our wedding to mythical & fascinating Americans!
MONDAY 5 OCTOBER
Took a definite pull [Churchill slang for ‘Pull yourself together’] at myself. Fled to Command Post & said goodbye. Because despite the fact that I want to go now – I hate leaving 469 and the girls & the instruments & a life that has taught me so much & given me so many opportunities. Finally departed on lorry – I’m glad to go & sad to go. But I do want to be an officer now.
TUESDAY 6 OCTOBER, WINDSOR
Caught train. Arrived at Imperial Service College at about 3.30. Judy & I in same co[mpan]y: C, but different platoons & rooms. Dreary girl (vicar’s daughter) & charming FANY in my room. Before I went to bed I took down my sergeant’s stripes & golden guns. I am so proud of them & they mean such a lot to me. They were my own getting – & winning & keeping. So I went to sleep not Sergeant Churchill – but Cadet Churchill. ‘Tomorrow to fresh woods & pastures new.’
SUNDAY 18 OCTOBER
Woke up quite early with a feeling of excitement. Wrote diary & letter to Mummie. Cleaned brass & shoes. Got up about 11. Judy & I both caught 2.25 feeling terribly excited – giving Ed up for lost – he turned up – I felt a little breathless & tried to be very casual. Made an unsuccessful attempt to get into Officers’ Sunday Club – but ‘only commissioned ranks miss’ so feeling rather mortified we went slumming down Park Lane to the Dorch[ester]. Had 2 iced Pimm’s & felt WONDERFUL. Good dinner. Then we all started walking to Hyde Park Corner to put Ed on his train – & suddenly – ED KISSED ME.
I felt deliriously happy & he said ‘I’m crazy about you, Mary.’ And then at Hyde Park gates he kissed me again – & to be in his arms seemed all this & heaven too to me. I felt so elated & ever since then I’ve thought about him constantly – & remembered the things he said. I can’t remember feeling quite like this before – am I in love? And how will it all end?
WEDNESDAY 21 OCTOBER
My thoughts have turned constantly on marriage during the last few days – I think because I am so bemused with Ed – I want it & yet I own I fear it in so many ways. And as this week wore on I began to have doubts as to whether I want to get married now – not to Ed particularly – for one thing I hardly know him – nor has he asked me. At moments I feel – how romantic & nice to be married young & have a fascinating husband & bouncing babies – & at other times I think I don’t want to marry yet – give me a few years to be with Mummie & Papa again – & that thrilling interesting world they move in. A world which I feel is real & matters because it is built on ideas & dreams & conceptions & affects life the world over so profoundly. I should hate to marry someone who didn’t love that world – who couldn’t or wouldn’t fit in.
Judy thinks I love my family too overpoweringly – I think in a way she’s right – but I don’t see what I can – nor would I could I – do about it. They are my life. I would have to love someone unbelievably much to leave them.
Ed sent sweet letters & then I went home to Chequers for the weekend – & I didn’t want anyone else any more.
SATURDAY 31 OCTOBER
Went to London in afternoon & met Ed alone for first time. Felt so happy in his company & he is good-looking. Found Mummie resting at annexe – in state of exhaustion after her week with Mrs Roosevelt. Dined at Savoy. Packed with tarts & actresses getting contracts – business men & queer girl friends – Americans & blondes. Had to leave early – Ed kissed me goodbye.
FRIDAY 6 NOVEMBER
Morning seemed to drag. Caught 1.05 by skin of teeth. Ed (looking fascinating), Sandy & a charming WAAF called Nan Smith arrived for drinks. Then walked to Lansdowne – delicious dinner – Homard Thermi
dor & ice CHAMPAGNE. Ed said the NICEST things. About 11.30 we went on to the Embassy [Club] – it was a starless, moonless night. There he kissed me – & said ‘Mary I love you so.’ And then as we walked along Bruton St he said – ‘I want to ask you something I have no right to – Mary, will you marry me?’ ‘I don’t want your answer now – but think about [it] – I don’t want to rush you’ – and I felt so so happy in his arms.
SATURDAY 7 NOVEMBER
Breakfast in Mummie’s room. After scrumptious lunch – pheasant – Ed arrived & Mummie & he & I drove to Chequers. I told Nana in the morning that he’d proposed. I told her which was quite true I hadn’t at all made up my mind. America’s an awful long way. Decided to tell Mummie after weekend. It was a lovely drive – Ed & Mummie seemed to get on very well. I think he is a bit deliberate & lengthy. Writing all this up in retrospect I see really that it was during the car ride that I first became conscious of feeling irritation at his sweet, minute & leisurely way of recounting the most trifling details of his life ‘when I was a youngster’…
The woods are most beautiful just now round Chequers. Papa greeted us on the doorstep – After tea Ed & I went for a walk to the top of Coombe Hill. I felt very proud to be walking along with such a fine & good-looking person – & he does look rather fascinating – in his US uniform & that wonderful gold eagle. We came in & toasted in front of a huge log fire. He had brought me down a tin of peanuts, silk stockings, packets of hairpins, lipstick, too lovely.
We got nearly to the end of dinner when Papa asked Ed which way he voted – ‘Wal – both ways’ said Ed [Mary’s attempt at an American drawl]. And something shut in my heart – for he had told me he voted Republican. Oh Ed – on such small phrases does emotion hang!
Then he embarked on 2 stories – I SWEATED & prayed (literally) for the end – Papa was too sweet & patient. After dinner I felt strained & a little wild – just a CRUSH dying – & I had so believed it was the real thing! I made up my mind irrevocably then – the answer is NO.
SUNDAY 8 NOVEMBER
Ed & I breakfasted in sunlit dining room in an empty silence – I think I commented on the lovely, beautiful, nice, fine DAY a thousand times. After breakfast I went & saw Mummie & Papa. Papa, Mummie told me, was in a flap & said she was mad to let Ed come to Chequers because then I’d marry him & go to America & she’d be miserable & I’d be miserable too. I told her he’d proposed – & said I’d decided ‘No’.
When I went to see Papa he was so sweet & did his duty as a father! ‘Now don’t you go marrying that young man – he’s very nice – but you wouldn’t like American life…’
FRIDAY 13 NOVEMBER
Had 2 most devoted letters from Ed. Felt irritated by them. Wrote & said ‘no’ as simply & unwoundingly as possible. I said ‘I don’t know much about love – I have not had much experience of it – but I do know marriage without it can be hell.’ And I mean that – I am perplexed. I loved him – & now I do not. Why?
SATURDAY 21 NOVEMBER
Had Ed’s letter in answer to mine. It was sweet & kind. He really is THE nicest person. But it devastates me if people put SWAK on envelopes [Sealed With A Kiss] – I shall retaliate one day with a SWAKUA – (sealed with a kick up the arse).
And also he wrote me a ‘POEM’ – O DEAR.
SUNDAY 22 NOVEMBER
Lovely frosty morning. Judy and I left early for home. I love driving – & it is a beautiful route from Slough to Chequers. Talked to Mummie. Am so thrilled the Queen has included me in her invitation to Mummie & Papa to a ‘Thanksgiving’ day party for American officers at Buckingham Palace. Wow & woof! Judy & I set out at 12 to have drinks with the RA officers. It was great fun – but I blush to confess Judy & I both got ‘Tiddly’. It wasn’t altogether our fault – we only had 2 gins & limes & masses of soda. I fear they must have been terribly strong.
On 9 o’clock news cabinet changes announced. Papa is indeed well-served, and I do honour people who have ideals & keep them & follow them. I sometimes wonder how many of my shining ideals which I had when I was 17 will remain when I am 40 – I sometimes feel sort of lost & dead – & then sometimes suddenly feel sure & strong. And then too I wonder what my life is going to be – whether I will marry – I want to marry – but not now. And although I know that the things I seek in life & can give to life will come from a happy marriage – I can’t visualise the person I would fall in love with. And so I fear I’m a bachelor girl – for a while anyway and just now I feel no desire for marriage yet. There is so much to do & see & think about – so many people and then of course my family. I belong to them – & I love them so much. As soon as I get out of the army I want to enjoy their company to the full – and live the exciting, thrilling, interesting life they can give me. And I want to help Mummie and take the strain off her – & be with both Mummie & Papa – I love them so much.
Extracted from Mary Churchill’s War, published by Two Roads on Thursday (£20). ©Emma Soames 2021
‘I can’t visualise the person I would fall in love with. And so I fear I’m a bachelor girl’