Asking for a friend

Your problems solved by The Midults

Q:Dear A&E, I’m uncomfortable with my husband’s best friend, Michelle. They met at university and got together brief ly but he swears they have been just friends ever since. She has few female friends and is cold – but I said nothing to my husband, even when she was his ‘best woman’ at our wedding. Michelle recently broke up with her boyfriend and wants my husband to go and see her in London – apparently ‘she needs her best friend’. (We live in Glasgow.) He was stunned when I said I wasn’t comfortable. Can I put my foot down? — Wary

Dear Wary, here’s our instinct: sometimes we have bad chemistry with people and it’s always unnerving when that happens. We wonder why. They make us feel frozen and resentful. And so we wonder more. But sometimes bad chemistry is just bad chemistry. Other people like them. Other people find them nutritious or touching or entertaining but, for us, they are like a minor allergic reaction: slightly uncomfortable but not life-threatening. Nothing sinister. Nothing vicious. Just the wonky interaction of incompatible people. It sounds, to us, as though this is your experience with Michelle.

And so, give yourself permission to dislike her. It doesn’t mean that she’s your arch-enemy or your nemesis; your rival or your adversary. She’s just an annoying person in your husband’s life. All our partners have annoying friends. The trouble is, it starts to eat up a whole load of energy when a mild and long-standing dislike becomes a meaningful and threatening loathing. Keep it in its place, Wary. It is what it is.

If he fancies her, he fancies her. We don’t think it sounds as though he does or he would have kept her a world away from your wedding for a start. If he’s going to sleep with her, he’s going to sleep with her. We don’t think he will, but it might be counter-productive to start casting her as a temptress. You trust him. Your relationship is with him. And until he gives you reason to feel otherwise then there is no need to panic.

But wary is wary, and now he knows that you are. Let’s see what he does with that information. Hopefully he will respect it and keep everything reassuringly transparent. He knows you dislike her, but he’s probably astounded because you have sucked up their closeness for so many years. He’s been proceeding, unapprehended, with this friendship while you have been seething inwardly. Therefore he is absorbing this new information from a standing start, whereas you are coming at the situation from years of distrust and resentment. And you probably slightly resent him for not reading your mind. Which is highly understandable and also – said with love – a bit silly.

Now we find ourselves in a predicament where almost anything he does is unsatisfactory. After all, if he were to declare, ‘I SHALL NEVER SEE THAT WOMAN AGAIN!’ then he wouldn’t be the trustworthy man you married. Sure, you could put your foot down, but would that be wise? Think of the ramifications. Suddenly your husband sees you as a person who lays down laws and curtails – as far as he is concerned – innocent freedoms. Suddenly her name is whispered and reports of their communications are edited and she is made mysterious. Hmmm.

You were right to have told him how you feel. Well done. We suggest you pick up where you left off and say something like, ‘You know how I feel about Michelle. I trust you and love you completely. Just bear in mind that I worry a little about this because Michelle and I are not, and never will be, friends. Please bear that in mind so that this doesn’t become a problem between us because you are my love and our communication is all that matters.’ The truth is just the truth. You don’t have to agree about everything and everyone. But you do have to keep talking… that, in our opinion, is the law.

It might be counterproductive to start casting her as a temptress

Do you have a dilemma that you’re grappling with? Email Annabel and Emilie on themidults@telegraph.co.uk. All questions are kept anonymous. They are unable to reply to emails personally