Agony uncle

Dear Richard,

I am 67; I was widowed at 31 and brought up my four daughters alone. For the past year and a half, I have been in a relationship with a lovely 66-year-old widower whose late wife died four years ago. We are both grandparents.

My family has been welcoming to my partner and I have met his sons and their families who have appeared friendly and warm towards me. My eldest daughter invited us both for Christmas Day, along with the rest of my family. A couple of weeks after accepting her invitation, my partner was asked by his son to join his family, stipulating that he should come on his own, without me. The son says he has nothing against me but wants to keep his mother’s memory alive and said that he thinks we are developing our relationship too quickly.

I don’t think we’ve been all that impetuous and I am a little hurt, to be honest. I’ll be happy enough spending the day with my family, and my partner and I can do presents the evening before. But if we’re together next year, which I very much hope we will be, I’d like to use the occasion to bring our families together.

I am grappling with the rights and wrongs of the etiquette here and wondered if you could help? — Sarah, E Sussex

Dear Sarah

First off: DO. NOT. FEEL. HURT. As your partner’s son has been at pains to say, it’s not an intentional snub to you. In fact I applaud his honesty and directness in explaining his reasons. He only lost his mother four years ago and he wants to cherish her memory at what is an intensely special and private family time.

He’s also been open and told his dad that he worries the two of you may be rushing things a bit. Obviously you both think he’s wrong about that, but I reckon it’s an understandable concern. And isn’t it healthy that father and son can have that kind of open exchange without rancour? I think so. Furthermore, he (the son) has made it clear he harbours no animosity towards you. He just wants more time to get used to the idea of his dad being with someone else.

I don’t actually think this is an issue about etiquette, Sarah. It’s much more about emotions, and Christmas, as we know, has a way of intensifying those. Anyway, you say you have easily organised festivities to fit around these arrangements so there’s no real harm done, is there? It’s right that you’re going with the flow this year.

I also think you should send your putative son-in-law a warm, affectionate note reassuring him that you completely understand his feelings, hoping he had the merriest of Christmases, and say how much you look forward to pulling a cracker with him this time next year. I think he’ll really appreciate that.

Your partner was there when you really needed her. Let her have a bit of seasonal joy now

Dear Richard

Last Christmas I wasn’t able to visit my mother in her nursing home because I was selfisolating with Covid. She died, peacefully, in January of this year. I was with her, and I sorted out the estate (I’m an only child). It was a draining experience. So in my own mind this year I had more or less cancelled Christmas: we’re having nice food and I’ve done a few presents, but I am intending

to be back in the office by

This is a perfect festive storm of slobbering dog, new boyfriend and kindly but chaotic parenting

the 28th. I’m looking forward to the peace, to be honest.

My partner, who was fantastic in the aftermath of Mum’s death, seemed to understand this well enough. But she is very much of the Mariah Carey disposition and since the start of the month there has been a stealthy accumulation of glitter, ribbons, elves etc around the house. It would have been churlish to object to any of this. But I am writing this to you from a sort of winter wonderland, which is exactly the opposite of the kind of reflective simplicity in which I was hoping to spend this period. I’m tempted to take myself off for a long walk on the day itself, but I don’t want my partner to feel I’m cross with her as I’m really not – we just need different things, this year at least. Have you any advice for me? — Paul, Oxon

Dear Paul

If ever there was a time of year for a bit of extra special give and take, flexibility, forbearance and understanding, it’s the season of goodwill. So it is in that spirit I write this reply.

You say your partner behaved wonderfully well after your mother’s death. She did so because she’s a good and kind person who loves and cares for you. But at the same time, her support and understanding gave her some credit in the bank account of your relationship, didn’t it? I’m sure she isn’t consciously drawing on that now, but I think you should extend it to her nevertheless.

Because she’s not really asking for much, is she? Just to be allowed to put a few seasonal knick-knacks around the house. She’s not expecting you to host a full-on Christmas party, or demanding you fly to Lapland together to see Santa. We’re just talking about a bit of glitter, some ribbons and a few elves. Meanwhile your plans to get back to work on the 28th aren’t affected at all, are they?

You don’t have to pretend to be all upbeat and jolly this particular Christmas, and your partner isn’t asking you to. She understands how you feel. She just wants to quietly express something of her own genuine pleasure in what is for many, as Andy Williams sang: ‘The most wonderful time of the year!’

Your partner was there for you when you really needed her, Paul. Keep that in mind and let her have a bit of seasonal sentiment and joy now. It’s pretty small payback, if you ask me – and you did!

Dear Richard

I’m spending the holidays in the country with the family of a new-ish boyfriend. He’s lovely, his parents are very welcoming – everything should be great. Except for the dog. There’s this massive, slobbery, smelly dog. It grosses me out and, if I’m honest, it frightens me. Needless to say, it senses my dismay and loses no opportunity to clamber all over me, usually after a muddy walk.

My boyfriend adores the dog, which they’ve had since he was a child, and of course that’s fair enough. The thing is, he regresses into this really… doggy persona after he’s been home a while. The longest I have stayed in the past was a couple of nights and by then he’d not only developed a pronounced canine odour, which I found quite challenging. He was also weirdly different – sort of eager and lolloping. I didn’t know whether to pour him a gin and tonic or throw him a stick.

What are your tips for cynophobic partners in a strange house over the festive period? — Anna, via email

Dear Anna

Your letter made me smile. You obviously have a good sense of humour. But this perfect festive storm of slobbering dog, new boyfriend and kindly but chaotic parenting in the country shouldn’t eclipse the need for a couple of quiet reality checks. Let me explain.

First, you worry that your new boyfriend’s rapid descent into tail-thumping, woof-woof, rub-my-tummy behaviour will ‘erode’ your feelings for him. Well, Anna – maybe it will! It’s called getting to know someone. He’s obviously part town-mouse, part country-mouse. You’re on a journey to discover which one is in the ascendant and you mustn’t be afraid of, well, discovering it!

Secondly, you say this dog senses your nervousness and clambers all over you. Er, no – the reason it jumps up on you is because it’s poorly trained. Dogs can and should be taught not to do it. Have a word with your boyfriend and ask him if he’ll try to do something about it. It’ll be an interesting ‘loyalty test’, if nothing else!

Other than that, there’s not a lot I can suggest. But try to keep your sense of humour this Christmas. It’ll give you something to regale your friends with. Everyone loves a good shaggy dog story.

Have a question for Richard? Write to Dear Richard, The Daily Telegraph, 111 Buckingham Palace Road, London SW1W 0DT, or email Dearrichard@telegraph.co.uk