Customer service horror stories

My night at the murder hotel of North Wales

I arrived at the hotel at 5pm to find nobody manning reception. ‘Ring the bell for service. If no response, call this number,’ a sign read. I rang, triggering a building-shaking siren. No response, but I could see a pair of slippered feet up on a pouffe in a back room. There was no way on earth that person didn’t hear. So I called the number. A mobile phone could be heard going off, loudly. After six rings, the feet moved, their owner cancelled the call, and a po-faced woman emerged and handed me a key with a keyring the size of a table-tennis bat, bearing a hotel name completely different from the one I believed I was in. I couldn’t shake the feeling something was up. Later, I mentioned it to a local cabbie. ‘Ah yes, there was a murder there a couple of years ago. That sort of f—ked their Google results so they changed the name, but didn’t change the keyrings.’ After an uneasy sleep I appeared at 8.30am to find reception deserted again. A new sign had appeared: ‘Breakfast begins at 11am.’ Yet checkout was also at 11am. I hadn’t paid, so I rang the number. Again no answer. I left, and to this day I still haven’t paid. By the door on the way out was a guestbook. I opened it to find it completely empty. Fitting. I had no words either.

A three-month standoff with BT

It was over some missing HD TV channels. Highlights included engineers arriving hours late or not at all, promised phone calls never materialising, ignored tweets, fruitless online chats and hours on hold, the most bracing of which ended with me saying ‘hello’ after 57 minutes of Muzak, then being hung up on. When an engineer finally visited he suggested that my issue might be due to living too close to a TV transmitter… Thom Gibbs

‘Speedy’ delivery

Last summer, some German friends wanted to stay in my house in France. I sent them the key via the Post Office and paid £47.45, but five days later it hadn’t arrived. I called and was told it had been sent via Parcelforce and was held up in customs in France. Parcelforce’s international office told me I’d written the incorrect value on the customs form (£10). Hard to judge how much one Yale key is worth, but hey ho. Two weeks later, Parcelforce said the key would be returned to me. The man asked me to confirm my address and then told me that was not the same as the one he had for me. He said I must have put the wrong address on the form I filled out at the Post Office. ‘Why would I do that?’ I asked. I tried to give him the correct address but he said he could only return it to the one on the form – he wouldn’t budge. Three weeks later I got another call; they had tried to deliver my key to the address they had but the woman wouldn’t accept it because she was not me. Surprise surprise. The key arrived, two months after I originally sent it. When I tried to get a refund it was declined, because, I was told, the delay was the fault of customs in France and nothing to do with Parcelforce. Jessamy Calkin

Over to you! Tell us your tales of the worst – or best – customer service you’ve experienced in the comments section at telegraph.co.uk