‘Four days of pathetic displays of virility? I’m in’

Kayaking in the fjords was not Paul Kendall’s ideal way to catch up with old friends – but the scenery made up for the lack of luxury… mostly

It started, as all arrangements must these days, with an invitation to join a WhatsApp group. “Boys,” said the message (somewhat erroneously, since every single invitee was in his 40s). “I’m very keen to organise the Norwegian kayaking weekend that I’ve probably mentioned to you before. I’m going to look at weekends in either July or September next year. Can you let me know if you’re up for it?”

The time was 7.30am. By 7.58 three members of the group had replied to say they were on board: “I’d be up for it”, “I’m in too”, “Likewise” the messages trilled.

I was not quite so sure. The idea of spending some time away with a group of close friends, most of whom I’d known since school days, was certainly appealing – but two days’ kayaking (to be interspersed, I later learnt, with a “demanding” nine-hour hike) was not the way I would have chosen to catch up. Granted, it was to take place in a stunning location: the west Norwegian fjords, a World Heritage area. But competitive kayaking – and there was no way 10 men with atrophying bodies and a fear of ageing would not make it competitive – just didn’t appeal. We were also going to have to camp and, while I am prepared to suffer the privations of outdoor living to entertain my children, I have never seen any reason to do it with a bunch of adults, all of whom could well afford a hotel.

It soon became apparent, however, that my views on the matter were very much in the minority. Faced with the choice of missing the trip altogether or submitting myself to four days of discomfort and pathetic displays of virility, I chose the pathetic displays of virility.

What followed was as predictable as it was comic. First came a deafening WhatsApp silence as nine men entered protracted negotiations with their wives for permission to go away. Then came the injuries. A good six months before they were due to set foot on Scandinavian soil, one