CHRIS LEADBEATER INSIDE TRAVEL

Eight things I don’t miss about airports, from the ‘smart’ technology to the maze of doom…

Imiss travel. There we go. Three simple words that you would entirely expect in a newspaper travel section during a pandemic in which nobody is doing much travelling – including a travel writer who had set foot on four continents in the first three months of the year, but has barely managed to see four postcodes in the subsequent two.

So yes, I miss travel. I’ve been privileged to have had travel as a cornerstone of my professional life for the best part of 20 years – and its absence is a sizeable hole in who I am. So let the violins play. Let the angelic choirs sing in sympathy and sorrow. Let the gods look down from Olympus or Valhalla or wherever, and weep their eternal salty tears.

One thing I do not miss is airports. If we stuck to the standard script, there would now follow a paragraph about how travel is all about the destination and not the journey. And about how the airport is merely a glorified bus stop with striplighting. But we’ll skip that part. Because you’ve read it before.

And because – obviously – you don’t miss the airport either.

There are plenty of things you have missed in the past 10 weeks: friends, positive headlines, personal space, haircuts, not having to pretend you are cocooned within a two-metresquare box when you enter any shop – but the big place with the planes isn’t one of them.

Which of the following Airport Thingies do you miss the least? That is the question here…

(1) Mr Asking the Obvious: “Did you pack this bag yourself, sir?” Well yes, I hope so. Because if my five-year-old did it, it’s going to be very heavy on felt-tips and cheap plastic approximations of characters from irritating children’s TV shows, but light on clothes, phone chargers and all the other things I need to get through the next two weeks.

(2) Ms Everything Is Too Much Trouble: I appreciate that airport security is an important task, and that peering into eight bags of other people’s underwear every minute probably isn’t fun. But do the Pat You Down Crew undertake training courses in being as po-faced as possible? “Don’t you dare say a cheery hello while I’m checking if your small bottle of shampoo constitutes an international incident. And woe betide you if I find a mini tube of toothpaste that you HAVEN’T

LAID OUT SEPARATELY! Roy, take over. I’m on break.”

(3) The Fluorescent Maze of Doom: In a rush to catch your flight, madam? About to hyperventilate because the board is already flashing “Final Call”? Speed is of the essence. Please negotiate this labyrinth of perfume counters, flavoured vodka, Swiss chocolate and pricey cigars that you know, deep down, won’t change your father-in-law’s negative opinion of you no matter how many times you buy them for him.

(4) “A Big Discount on High Street Prices”: “Two packets of paracetamol and a bottle of spring water? That’ll be £47.52, madam. Cash or card?” Which high street? Rodeo Drive?

5) The Non-Final Final Call: Sorry sir, did you run through the Fluorescent Maze of Doom because we intimated that your flight was taking off in 10 seconds? Ah, bit of a lie. Please grab a seat over there for 40 minutes. You should probably go and wash your face, too.

(6) “Gourmet Airport Dining”: Yes, leaving home two hours early so you can nibble at some enormously marked-up chicken alla beige is an excellent idea.

(7) Hunt the Water Fountain: We’ve introduced free water dispensers to cut down on plastic bottles and save the planet. Where are they? Ah, that would be telling. Take the dimly lit back corridor past the broken service lift, and if you get to the taxi rank, ask Jeff at Go! Cars for further directions. We’re all doing our bit, you know. Polar-bear emoji.

(8) “Smart” Technology: We’ve installed 37 auto-readers that can scan your passport in seconds. It will make the arrivals process completely seamless. And in honour of 47 flights landing together in the past five minutes, we’ve decided to open a random four of them. The back of the line is over there, sir. Yes, in the next terminal. Get the shuttle-train.

So yes. Airports. Awful dens of chicanery and spiralling frustration. See you soon. Please.

Is your dash to the gate really necessary?