The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - Travel
How to holiday with friends... and survive
If you’re feeling out of practice with your socialising, fear not. Laura Fowler knows where to go and how to make the most of that long-awaited break with the tribe you have almost forgotten
You don’t choose your family, as Desmond Tutu pointed out. What he neglected to add was that you can choose your friends, and go on holiday with them instead.
Our friends are our elected modern family. The people who make us laugh, share our tastes, understand us, take us as we come. And over the years, it is the holidays we take together that keep our friendships alive, colour them in, give us moments to treasure and anecdotes to tell and retell over the years until they are as polished as precious stones.
They are like waymarkers at every stage of life. First come the childhood holidays, families joining forces with other friends with kids. Next, your first independent holiday with friends, a coming-of-age ritual, followed by the blurry years of youthful hedonism in Balearic villas and Glastonbury tents, on stags and hens. Then grown-up country-house weekenders with other couples… until the whole process begins again, a generation on: holidays with other families; and with lifelong friends.
With all the restrictions of the past two years, holidays have become somewhat downscaled, reduced to members of our own household, perhaps immediate family at a push. But now the rules have relaxed, the time is ripe for a reunion holiday on a grand scale.
“2022 promises to be the year that extended friends and family come back together,” says Francesca Reed of Unique Homestays, which has seen its bigger and more unique UK rentals getting snapped up first. “We’re seeing friends’ gatherings prove popular, with groups of eight-plus opting for longer breaks than in previous years, as they make up for lost time.”
Of course, just as with family, sometimes things can go wrong. In books and films, holidays with friends tend to end in disaster: infidelity, betrayal, murder. The reality tends to be less dramatic, but still, resentment, arguments and
When we get them right, holidays with friends can be the best days of our lives
unforgivable home truths, can destroy a relationship. So, how do we holiday with our chosen family and ensure we’re still friends at the end of it?
“You need to establish boundaries around the issues that can be problematic,” says relationship and behavioural psychologist Dr Angela Smith, the Married at First Sight expert who runs Relationship Retreats (relationshipretreats.co.uk) at Eastwell Manor in Kent. She identifies some of the common issues: money, tidiness, drinking, personal space and how you spend your time.
“It all comes down to your personality,” she says. “Extroverts are re-energised by being around people, so they can go out for the whole day, have fun, party, and go straight back out in the evening. Introverts need more personal space, and time alone to reenergise – without that they can feel overwhelmed, irritated, stressed and then resentful. So set a boundary – make it clear you’re going to need your own space as well as time together.”
Money is another issue that can cause resentment – especially when people have different budgets. Remember that episode of Friends when half the group order wine and seafood at an expensive restaurant, and the low-earning others have tap water and starters, and they split the bill evenly regardless?
“When you go out for dinner and some people are drinking and somebody is not, yet they are lumbered with paying the same amount, that can cause a lot of conflict,” says Dr Smith. “Again, it’s about setting boundaries – be clear about what you’re happy to pay.”
But the time to do this is not at the end of a boozy meal. Dr Smith suggests discussing such issues before you have even gone on holiday.
“Doing it in advance ensures that the conversation goes really well. It’s about having a plan. If you try to do it when you’re angry, invariably it won’t go well – you won’t be able to get your point across eloquently or compassionately.”
When we get them right, holidays with friends can be enriching, bonding – the best days of our lives. I can clearly recall moments of childhood holidays with family friends as though preserved in a halo of eternal sunshine, and that sense of reckless liberty of those first adventures away from parents with like-minded peers.
Forty years on, my parents are still holidaying with that same crowd. There are 16 of them now – a mix of empty nesters, grandparents, silverhaired bachelors, all in their 70s. They still have lots in common, plenty to talk about. “Although,” says my mother, “these days we spend the first hour discussing our illnesses and medicines.” Any tips?
“You’ve got to give people space to do what they want to do,” my father says. “And be honest with each other about what you want. That way you can make sure you’re all happy.”