Here’s what I’ve learnt as a (very) frequent flyer

From the worst meal to the best cabin, aviation expert John Arlidge reveals his highs and lows

2023-09-30 -

I began flying for work in the 1990s when I was a national newspaper reporter – and have never stopped. Back then I was covering general business stories around the world. I never intended to write about aviation but I kept spotting stories at 39,000ft. There was no Wi-Fi in those days and few films to watch, so I had plenty of time to look around – and to think. Here’s what I’ve learnt, in the air and on the ground.

BEST FLIGHT

Perhaps surprisingly, it wasn’t Concorde – but rather Qantas’s 19½-hour test flight, in November 2019, of its non-stop route from London to Sydney on a hangar-fresh Boeing 787 “Dreamliner”. I saw two sunrises – one over Amsterdam shortly after take-off, and the second over Jakarta.

WORST FLIGHT

The chartered Embraer I was on from Windhoek to Johannesburg in May 2010 was struck by lightning. All the lights went out, the cockpit door burst open and the plane suddenly lurched downwards nose first. A few – long – seconds later, the power came back on and we levelled off.

BEST MEAL IN THE AIR

Qantas QF1 from Sydney to London earlier this month. Aussie chef Neil Perry leads the world at 39,000ft with quick, simple Aussie dishes which are actually cooked fresh in the galley, served with local wines. (He had Airbus install a toaster in the galley of Qantas’s A380 to make hot toast and Vegemite. British Airways and Marmite, take note.)

WORST MEAL IN THE AIR

Aeroflot in February 1993 on a flight from Moscow to Irkutsk, via Novosibirsk. I was upgraded to what passed for first class but there was no food (or seatbelts). I asked what was available to keep me going for the next 13 hours. “Free cigarettes,” said the steward proudly, handing me a packet of filterless Russian smokes.

BEST MEAL ON THE GROUND

Breakfast in the Concorde Room New York in the early Noughties when I flew on “the quick plane”. Back in those high-flying days staff would actually carry your bags into the lounge for you, leaving you free to grab a bacon sandwich with brown sauce from a waiter standing on one side of the entrance and a glass of vintage Krug from another standing directly opposite. (Please bring this back in your First lounges, British Airways).

BEST CABIN

The Residence on Etihad’s A380 superjumbo in Abu Dhabi in June 2014. The mini apartment in the sky has a sitting room with a champagne fridge, dining table and a 32in television, a bedroom with a 7ft by 5ft double bed, and a private bathroom.

BEST EXPERIENCE AT 39,000FT

Taking a shower on an Emirates flight from Dubai to Singapore in January 2015. Imagine spending five minutes under high-pressure water with Bulgari soap while gazing out of the window at the waters of the Bay of Bengal – now that really is heaven in the heavens.

ONLY AIRLINE TO LOSE MY BAG

South African Airways to Benguerra Island, via Johannesburg and Vilanculos, in November 2002. I had to borrow a complete set of clothes from the locals, which meant I spent most of the trip walking round in beige satin running shorts with Mighty Zambezi emblazoned in lurid green on one leg. (Luckily, social media had not yet been invented, so visual evidence of this debacle is not available.)

BEST SERVICE

Ethiopian Airways in July 1997 on a flight from Lalibela to Bahir Dar via Gondar. It was a small jet with no door on the cockpit, so a few of the passengers got chatting to the pilot once we had reached cruising altitude. It emerged that more passengers needed to go to Bahir Dar than Gondar and there were no passengers to pick up in Gondar. So the pilot actually rerouted the plane in mid-air. We stopped in Bahir Dar first and then he flew on to Gondar with the few remaining passengers.

WORST SERVICE

Aeroflot, again. On the return trip to Moscow from Irkutsk we landed safely in a snowstorm and made it to baggage reclaim. But our bags did not appear. We waited for 30 minutes. Still nothing. Peering out of the window, one of the passengers noticed that the baggage handlers had simply dumped the bags in the snow outside the terminal and not put them on the conveyor belt. One of the passengers forced the emergency door, setting off the alarms, and the men formed a human chain to lug all the bags inside. We all nearly froze to death.

BEST PASSENGER LOYALTY SCHEME

British Airways. BEST GOODIE BAG Acqua di Parma toiletries in a branded leather bag on Etihad.

BEST AIRPORT DEPARTURE

Singapore’s superlative Changi. The cutting-edge technology means you’ll get through to departures faster there than anywhere else – no matter which class you are flying. Also, there is a Uniqlo shop. Air travel regulators should make it illegal to build any large international airport without a Uniqlo – or a Paul Smith.

BEST AIRPORT ARRIVAL

Fiji, where dancers welcome passengers at the top of the air bridge. Just imagine having Morris dancers at Heathrow.

WORST AIRPORT

The new Istanbul hub. It’s too far out of town and twice as big as it needs to be. You leave to walk to the gate in spring and arrive in autumn.

MOST SCENIC FLIGHT

Glasgow to Stornoway on a clear day.

BEST LOUNGE

Virgin Atlantic Clubhouse at Heathrow (but please bring back the spa).

BEST AND WORST ECONOMYCLASS Virgin Atlantic – it offers extra legroom seats and staff don’t treat you like self-loading freight. Worst? Spirit – a (very) low-cost US carrier.

BEST AND WORST PREMIUM ECONOMY CLASS

Emirates – the seats, food, service and bathrooms are miles better than other carriers. Worst? China Southern.

BEST AND WORST BUSINESS CLASS Qatar Airways – its QSuite is better than first class on many carriers. Worst? Air Cubana.

BEST AND WORST FIRST CLASS Singapore Airlines on the A380 superjumbo. Each suite comes with a separate chair and bed, two televisions, a large wardrobe, plus caviar and Krug for every meal, if you like. Worst? Aeroflot – I don’t smoke.

HIDDEN GEM

Finnair. Great premium economy and business cabins. A sauna in the lounge at Helsinki airport. Unique airport shopping – salted liquorice, reindeer sausages, Marimekko.

WHAT THEY DON’T TELL YOU Onboard Wi-Fi never works over India. The Indian government won’t allow it. Get your work done before you cross into Indian airspace.

BEST WAY TO GET AN UPGRADE Buy one. The days when dressing smartly and asking nicely are long gone. Bid for an upgrade in a pre-flight auction – Virgin Atlantic does this – and hope the price is right.