The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - Money
‘The secret to my success? A stay-at-home husband’
City superwoman Baroness Morrissey, a mother of nine, reveals how she and her partner make it work
It’s been a quiet revolution, but the number of women who earn more than their male partner has been steadily rising: one in four British women is now their family’s main breadwinner. In America almost half of women make at least as much as their partner, which suggests that the trend has further to run here.
Yet the dynamic can be tricky for couples to navigate; divorce rates are 50pc higher if the woman earns more.
My husband, Richard, and I are still going strong even though I’ve been the sole breadwinner for more than two decades. There have been challenges, often related to social attitudes that haven’t kept pace with the changing financial reality for an increasing number of couples.
Little things can take their toll. For many years Richard was the only father at the school gates, yet schools insisted on communicating with me. When we eat out, the waiter hands the bill to Richard – who passes it to me to pay. And for years Richard dreaded the question “What do you do?”, having learnt that “I’m a stay-at-home dad” is a real conversation-stopper.
Meanwhile, when I’m seated next to men, it’s sometimes obvious that they feel intimidated and prefer to chat to the woman on their other side who has a more conventional role in life.
While we can’t change other people’s assumptions, Richard and I have made things work (most of the time) by communicating often. Happily, we recognise that we are doing what we are each best suited to, even if our set-up still isn’t quite the norm.
As, I suspect, with many couples, there was no carefully thought- out plan. We both worked full-time until the birth of our fourth child, by which point we felt under constant pressure.
Richard wasn’t enjoying his job as a journalist and suggested he went freelance so that he could play a bigger role at home. It was a step into the unknown financially as well as for our relationship, but seemed worth a try. With hindsight that initial conversation was critical, not least the discussion of a few “what ifs?”.
I was earning a decent salary but not enough to pay for everything indefinitely and, while I could potentially earn more, there were no guarantees. Richard said he would return to work if needed and that gave us the confidence to take the first step.
If you and your partner are contemplating a change in your respective earning or caring responsibilities, I’d urge a “one step at a time” approach. If it doesn’t work, be prepared to think again.
It took Richard and me time to work out how to make a success of our respective roles – and how to manage our finances. Richard approached being a stay-at-home dad like a job, cooking meals, watching the children’s sporting fixtures, joining the PTA at our girls’ school and organising a stall at the Christmas fair. ( He approached that with a macho competitive streak, determined to raise the most money.)
Some things he couldn’t or wouldn’t do – he drew the line at ballet lessons – while I still organised school uniforms, laundry, family diary and children’s activities. Some marriage counsellors suggest completely swapping the traditional gender roles when couples reverse the “big” provider or carer responsibilities; for us, it felt more natural to continue to do the tasks we each enjoyed.
As a mother I really wanted to do certain things for the family, and that stayed constant whatever my job title. In many ways it was the best of both worlds for our children: Richard took his “job” seriously while I prioritised getting home in time for family supper most evenings, while my male colleagues barely saw their children during the week.
Our six girls and three boys have had different, yet relevant, parental role models from those of most of their friends; when asked what he wanted to do when he grew up, our then eight-year-old son replied: “I thought I’d stay at home, like Dad.”
Sometimes after a long, hard day in the office I felt jealous of Richard’s time with the children, and some days he would have relished going into a quiet office. We learned to appreciate that neither path was straightforward – and that we weren’t competing. There’s no perfect template; couples who split everything more evenly have challenges, too. Ultimately, we’re all trying to find what’s best for our family.
It’s very important to talk about how things will work financially. I remember my dad giving my mum “housekeeping money” when she took a decade out from teaching to look after me and my sister.
We’ve done things differently; “my” salary has always been our money. Big financial decisions are taken together. It helps that Richard is frugal; he thinks I’m too generous towards our children, but otherwise we don’t disagree over financial priorities.
And finally, things change. For most couples, it is likely to change much more quickly – it’s taken 30 years (we have four still in education) to bring up our unusually large family.
In my 30s, being the sole provider motivated me to seek out the next promotion and higher pay. At 57 I’m still very much enjoying working hard, but could do with some help with our finances.
As an empty nest finally looms, Richard is up for the next venture. His timing is perfect, both for our family and in view of the opportunities available today, when careers can be dialled up or down more easily than with the linear career paths of the past, and given the possibilities afforded by technology.
‘Sometimes after a long, hard day in the office I felt jealous of Richard’s time with the children, and some days he would have relished going into a quiet office’
Baroness Morrissey ran Newton Investment Management for 15 years while supporting a family of 11.
She also founded the 30 Percent Club, which seeks to bring more women onto company boards