Discover the polite way to split the bill

You can avoid acrimony and embarrassment by following these tips, writes Liz Wyse, an etiquette expert at Debrett’s

It’s great to share a meal and split the bill with friends, but making sure it is a seamless, equitable process can be very fraught. As an etiquette expert, I am frequently asked about the niceties of splitting the bill in restaurants, and how social awkwardness, resentments and misunderstandings can be avoided.

Traditionally, the person who suggests the meal and invites the guests to a restaurant is seen as the host, and is expected to pay.

This custom causes a great deal of confusion today, as we are much more casual and spontaneous about eating out, and more rigid conventions about paying and hosting have been eroded.

IF YOU WANT TO PAY THE BILL

If you have decided that paying for the meal is your responsibility, it is best to say so at the beginning. You don’t need to make a flamboyant display – just say something like “my treat”. This will also allow you to take on the role of host, and to discreetly manage the proceedings.

IF YOU WANT TO SPLIT THE BILL

On many occasions, however, eating together is a co-operative affair and the challenge of splitting the bill is much more easily dealt with if it is acknowledged at the outset. So, when everybody is settled at the table and looking at their menus it is sensible for one person (frequently there is one individual who has initiated the arrangement or suggested the restaurant) to just say something like, “I think it would be much easier if we split the bill”, or “are we all agreed we’re going to split the bill?”

While there is often one individual who is “in charge” when it comes to eating as a group, it is important they do not become too dictatorial. Running the whole show (ordering wine, deciding when to order coffee, signalling for the bill and so on) is the privilege of a host who intends to pay for the meal. If you behave in this way, fellow diners might assume that you are going to pick up the bill, which could cause embarrassment.

IF YOU INTEND TO PAY FOR A COUPLE OF PEOPLE

If you are dining in a large group which includes, for example, members of your family or your partner, and you intend to pay for them, it might be a good idea to tell them that it is your treat before the meal starts. Then, when it comes to the final reckoning, you can discreetly mention to the waiter that you will be paying for several individuals, and your payment adjusted accordingly.

HOW TO ORDER POLITELY

It is important to clarify that the bill is going to be split at the outset because if everyone is aware that the bill will be equally divided, they are more likely to moderate their choices and match their dining companions. Take the precaution of being somewhat tentative about ordering, consulting with fellow diners before making your choice, rather than plumping decisively for the most expensive option.

Alarm bells will ring if one recalcitrant individual insists that they want to order, for example, the extremely expensive lobster, and casually adds “I’ll pay the difference”. This signals problems ahead, as it means there might be complex negotiations at the end of the meal, so it is more considerate to go with the group dynamic.

Choices of wine should be checked with the group before they are ordered. The easiest option is to all agree on an uncontroversial, reasonably priced wine – often the house wine. Passionate oenophiles who cannot bear the compromise might suggest treating the group to a favourite bottle, but they really should offer to pay.

AVOID CALCULATORS

At the end of the meal, the most rational and courteous option is to split the bill equally. This will normally be the job of the quasi-host and – to avoid looking like a humourless accountant, pecking away at a phone calculator – it is best to swiftly round up the bill and use basic mental arithmetic to make the necessary divisions.

If the bill includes service, that makes it easier; if not, the round-up will need to include an extra 10-15pc. It is, of course, possible to divide up and settle the bill and then ask everybody to leave a cash tip, but this can be awkward as many people no longer carry cash and there might be disagreements about the amount to tip.

NAVIGATING ALCOHOL COSTS

Eating out in a group where some of the diners are non- drinkers can pose problems. The politest option is to try to moderate your behaviour and mirror your fellow diners. A non- drinker should not be too nonplussed by modest wine consumption and should accept that this is to be expected.

Problems arise when there is a marked imbalance between diners’ consumption, so it is always a good idea to be alert to possible inequities. If you’re aware that you’ve drunk vastly more than your companions, point this out at the end of the meal, and suggest that you’ll pay extra, or deal with the service charge.

Nothing is more guaranteed to take the pleasure out of a meal than a nit-picking discussion about the bill.

‘It is important to clarify that the bill is going to be split at the outset’

Don’t leave it until the waiter comes around with a card machine to decide how the bill will be paid and whether it will be split