The Daily Telegraph - Saturday - Money
‘We’ve split but my ex wants to keep our two cockapoos’
QMy boyfriend and I have recently split up after six years (we were living together for four years). We lived in a rented flat and we don’t have children, so thankfully, even though it’s really hard facing up to starting out again, it has been quite easy for us to separate our things.
But we have two gorgeous cockapoos who are like our babies. Tiger and Tilly are brother and sister, we got them when they were eight weeks’ old and now they are nearly three.
Now we are fighting about who should have them.
He says he should keep Tiger and Tilly because he paid for them, but he gave them to me for my birthday so I think that means I should have them. He earns more than me, so he’s staying in our flat as he can afford it and I can’t. I’ve moved back home to my parents while I work out what I do next.
I still have my job, but being single again at 35 is really scary. My body clock is ticking and I thought we were going to marry and have children.
And not having the comfort of having my dogs around all the time, and knowing they are probably really missing me when they are at his, is making things even worse.
I can’t stop crying. I think Tiger and Tilly are unhappy too. They are both being difficult and it is not like them.
Tiger is getting quite aggressive and barking a lot, which he never used to, and Tilly has started peeing on the carpet at my mum and dad’s house.
My mum and dad love the dogs, but I know they feel a bit of relief when they go to my ex’s because they don’t have to worry about the barking and the peeing.
My ex and I agreed that we would take it in turns having the dogs while we decide who gets to keep them.
I can’t cope with the thought of never seeing them again. So, can you tell me, am I right that I get to keep them because they were my birthday present? Thank you.
– Anon
Dear Reader
Abreak-up is less complicated without joint assets and children, but that doesn’t mean it is easy, and managing pets post-separation is hard and emotional to navigate, too. Pet custody can get nasty and drag on.
It’s not something I’ve dealt with, so, in thinking about how to answer your question and help you, I’ve spoken to Karis Nafte, a top pet behaviourist, who is also a pet custody mediator, and to a lawyer, Shannon Park at Irwin Mitchell.
Nafte says that behaviour change is common with dogs caught up in a custody battle – as you suspect, they are communicating their unhappiness.
Dogs are perceptive and they may be feeling stressed by your unhappiness, they may not like their new environment or going between two homes.
It sounds like you’ve already explored some of the practical options going forward, there are others you’ve not mentioned, so you could consider:
1) They both stay with one of you
and the other bows out.
2) You continue to share custody
on a regular basis.
3) You split up the dogs and each
have one.
4) They live primarily with one of you and spend time with the other when the primary carer is away.
To make the best decision for Tiger and Tilly, you need to separate your own strong emotional response from what is best for them, so here are some questions for you both to reflect on.
How is moving the dogs between two homes working – for you and them? How are handovers? How much time can you each spend with them? Which home provides the best environment for the dogs, considering space (indoors and out) and accessibility? How affordable are the costs of having two dogs for each of you? If there’s a financial issue, how might you manage it? Is it best and right for the dogs to stay together? How do you think they would respond if they were separated?
Those are practical factors. Then there are personal questions for each of you. Anything other than sole custody means you will be in each other’s lives for as long as the dogs live.
That means no clean break for some time from this relationship. How will you feel if other partners come along for each other, for instance? Will you be able to communicate in a healthy way with each other?
If not, you risk a former relationship holding you back from a new future.
Nafte says around half the pet custody cases she mediates result in one person dropping out of the dogs’ life, and in the other half they navigate a shared way through.
How you do it will depend on how you answer those questions I put to you. And what about that ownership question you asked – is there a clear legal answer to it? Are pets viewed as property or “people” in a situation like this?
The simple answer is – property. In the UK at least, other countries take a different view. And so, the person who was gifted the pets is regarded as the rightful owner, under the law.
That doesn’t negate the factors I mentioned earlier for you to consider on what’s best for Tiger and Tilly and each of you, but this hard legal fact can be a part – or all – of the conversation.
Telegraph Money’s Joanna Gosling is a family mediator at law firm Irwin Mitchell. She was a newsreader and broadcaster at the BBC for more than 20 years. Do you have a finance feud for Joanna to solve?