‘It’s ridiculous to dismiss Attila as unelectable’
In an alternate universe, it was Labour that won May’s general election – and ever since, a beleaguered Conservative Party has been in the throes of a bitter leadership contest. Below we publish the latest report on how it’s going.
When he scrambled his way on to the ballot paper at the last minute, commentators didn’t give him a chance. Bookmakers offered odds of 100/1. Yet, in just a few extraordinary weeks, the rank outsider has become the favourite – sending senior party figures into panic.
“I’ve got to be honest,” confessed Sarah Wollaston, the Conservative MP for Totnes. “I never actually wanted Attila the Hun to win the leadership. I only nominated him to broaden the debate.”
Dr Wollaston was speaking to the BBC, the morning after an opinion poll of party members showed Mr the Hun a full 17 points ahead of his closest rival, George Osborne.
Some backbench MPs, however, spoke in defence of the member for Hunnic Empire East.
“It’s ridiculous to dismiss Attila as unelectable,” said Philip Davies (Con, Shipley). “The commentariat keep claiming that he’s ‘too Rightwing’. But quite frankly, it’s about time someone challenged the liberal consensus that it’s wrong to drink women’s blood, massacre whole cities and clog rivers with the corpses of your foes.”
Mr the Hun also found support from fellow backbench rebel Peter Bone (Con, Wellingborough).
“It frustrates me when these complacent so-called experts say the British people don’t want murderous tyranny,” said Mr Bone. “How do you know they don’t? They’ve never been offered murderous tyranny. And no, Mrs Thatcher doesn’t count. That was just tyranny-lite.
“The Establishment mock Attila – but that’s only because they’re running scared of him. Which is fair enough, really, given that he impales all deserters and ate two of his sons.” Interviewed on Radio 4’s
Today programme, the Conservative peer Lord Lawson said his party must “learn the lessons” of its election defeat.
“The message from the public was loud and clear,” he said. “They voted for a Left-wing party that offered a message of fairness and compassion. That tells us that what they really want is a bloodthirsty despot.
“We need to face facts. If you want to win a general election, the last thing you should do is pick a leader who might actually stand a chance of doing so. Instead you’ve got to pander to the obsessive delusions of your grass roots.”
Meanwhile, the Labour Government can barely contain its glee at seeing the Opposition in such disarray.
“They really are going to pick that nutter the Hun to be their leader,” chortled one minister. “Honestly. This would be like us electing Jeremy Corbyn!”