Four caged rats who can’t even flee a sinking ship

WHENEVER I visit a pet shop I feel sorry for the rats. Look at them. These intelligent but little-loved creatures find themselves confined together for months on end.

“Please pick me,” you can almost hear them beg. “I can’t bear it any longer. This is cruel.” Yet still we leave them to languish there, ignored.

Which brings me to the Labour leadership. The four candidates must be sick of the sight of each other. When Yvette Cooper and Liz Kendall announced they wouldn’t serve in Jeremy Corbyn’s shadow cabinet, I assumed it was because they disagreed with his politics. Now I suspect the reason is simpler. They don’t want to be trapped in a room with him, Andy Burnham, or each other ever again.

Yesterday’s hustings was hosted in London by the Daily Mirror. The first question was about immigration. Mr Burnham accused the Government of anti-immigrant rhetoric. “There’s no dog whistle that these Bullingdon boys won’t blow,” he scowled. Possibly, although if they want to blow the social class dog whistle they’ll have to get it back off Mr Burnham first.

Mr Corbyn said the answer was to spend more on housing, schools and hospitals. Ms Cooper said the answer was to criminalise the exploitation of migrant workers. Ms Kendall, meanwhile, said the answer was to… Come to think of it, I can’t remember.

I’ll just listen back to my recording. Ah yes: she said we “need a system where there are firm rules”.

Later on, she promised she would always “say the difficult things our party needs to hear, as well as the inspiring things”. I wonder when she’ll get round to saying them.

The only two moments of conflict here came between Ms Cooper and Mr Corbyn, firstly over his antipathy to Nato. Then she questioned his desire to be prime minister.

Mr Corbyn gave an almost imperceptible smile. “I look forward to the result on September 12,” he said.

Don’t we all. At least then we can set these poor rodents free.