The race is on for the hot seat all over Britain
Jeremy Corbyn& Co may be grabbing all the headlines, but Labour isn’t the only party in the throes of choosing a new leader. Four others are also holding leadership elections – and each contest has seen its fair share of controversy.
Below we present an exclusive report on the latest developments.
Metropolitan Liberal Elite The party of food bloggers, app developers and newmedia thinkspace consultants is leaderless after the incumbent, Heracles Pennyfarthing, left politics to launch a bistro in a disused phone box selling sweets from the Second World War. “We’re at a crossroads,” admitted general secretary Osbert Tamagotchi. “Now that one of the major parties is about to be led by a bearded middle-class socialist from Islington, all our members are defecting.”
Ukep The United Kingdom Emigration Preventionists – a party deploring the political establishment’s failure to prevent swarms of British immigrants entering other EU states – are in turmoil after their leader, Norman Porridge, rejected his own resignation.
“The European Union, which has left countries like Spain swamped by migrants from the UK, is a deeply corrupt and totally undemocratic institution,” said Mr Porridge. “In order to continue my campaign against it, I have therefore re-elected myself leader, and sacked all my rivals.”
Men’s Lib There was an unexpected twist in the contest to lead Britain’s foremost activists for men’s rights, when it emerged that one of the candidates was a woman. She was swiftly ejected.
“While we always welcome new members, we can’t risk having the legitimacy of this election undermined by entryists,” said party chairman Derek Plug. “Imposing all-men shortlists may seem drastic, but given the appalling lack of male representation in politics it’s our only option. Can you believe that not a single man has been appointed Home Secretary in the past five years? And that 100 per cent of the Conservatives’ 68 female MPs are women? This is the 21st century, for pity’s sake.”
Anarcho Rebel Freedom Punkz The race to take charge of the world’s most uncompromisingly libertarian party has descended into farce, owing to the fact that all four candidates are ideologically opposed to the concept of leadership. Each has therefore spent his or her campaign explaining vigorously why he or she would be unfit for the job.
“Never in all my years reporting on politics have I witnessed a leadership contest in which all the candidates seem hell-bent on scuppering their own chances of victory,” said one commentator. “Well, apart from the current Labour one.”