Stone me, that’s a right mess the builders left

Great rejoicing in archaeological circles following the discovery of a massive stone “monument” surrounding Stonehenge. A large pile of unused materials left in a heap near the completed structure? Those of us who have recently had the builders in will recognise the tell-tale signs. Here is strong evidence that the contractor has buggered off, leaving the site in a mess. Imagine, if you will, the fraught conversation between the client and builder in 2000BC.

“Look, Stoneheaver, I’ve been trying to get you for days.”

“Yeah, been a bit tied up with a sacrificial altar down the Salisbury ring road. Turns out they ordered the wrong-sized slab from Germania.”

“But you said we’d be finished 500 years ago.”

“I know, Mrs Thundergod, I know. But first we had that problem with the lighting in the basement. You wanted boiling pitch, but the bloke from the council said, what with it being listed and all, you’ve got to have vats of tallow. Mucky stuff.”

“And the chandeliers?”

“Made from tusks? Lovely job, very high spec.” “So what happened?” “Extinct. You just can’t get quality giant boar any more.”

“Please tell me at least you’re ready to go with the island.”

“Done. Trees down, mud walls up, jetty built.” “No, the kitchen island.” “Oh, glad you mentioned that. My mate Dungsmoker will be in on Monday to measure up, definite.”

“But he said that last century, and he never showed up.”

“Well, that’s Dungy for you. Went down the Three Druids and got totally henged. Happens every solstice. Blimey, look at the sundial. Couldn’t pop the cauldron on, could you? Ewe milk and two honeys for me. Cheers, mate.”