And you thought Lib Dems were good for nothing
After a calamitous election and a torpid party conference, unkind commentators have suggested that the Liberal Democrats are finished. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. The Lib Dems’ remaining eight MPs, and their innumerable peers, still have a vital role to play in British public life.
In the first part of our exciting new series, 101 Uses
we reveal just some of the key ways Tim Farron’s party can change Britain for the better. 1. Fixing a wobbly table Are the legs of your dining table uneven? Steady it instantly by sliding a Lib Dem under the shortest leg.
“I was sick to the back teeth of my husband spilling my drink every time he rested an elbow on the table,” writes Mrs Ena Madeupname, 68, Lancs. “But ever since I jammed former Lib Dem health minister Norman Lamb under the wobbly leg, you could play snooker on it.”
2. Cutting your energy bill As the nights draw in, many hard-pressed families are wondering whether they can afford to put the heating on this winter. So why not keep costs down by using a Lib Dem as a draught excluder?
“My living room used to be cold as a fridge,” says reader Jane Imaginary, 52, Glenrothes. “Then I had a brainwave: get Lib Dem education spokesman John Pugh to lie down in front of the door all evening. Now the room is draught-free, I’m nice and toasty – and I’ve saved almost £80!”
3. Removing a stone from a horse’s hoof With parents reluctant to buy their children pocket knives, and membership of the Scouts unfashionable, many modern horses have no option but to trot onward in agony, powerless to relieve their suffering. Thankfully, help is at hand.
“The other day, poor Buttercup here got a stone in her hoof,” says farmer Roy Piffle, 47, Norfolk. “Luckily, I happened to have former Lib Dem MP Simon Hughes with me – so I quickly winkled the stone out, using his teeth.”
4. Dealing with wine stains Popular wisdom has it that the best way to get rid of a red wine stain is to pour white wine over it. But what if you don’t have any white wine? Housewife Glenda Improbable, 58, Bucks, has the answer.
“Always keep a Lib Dem handy under the sink,” advises Glenda. “When our next-door neighbour accidentally splashed Valpolicella on our livingroom rug, I simply dabbed it with Sir Danny Alexander, and the stain was gone in a jiffy.”
5. Blocking junk mail Tired of having flyers, takeaway menus and other rubbish thrust through your letterbox every morning? Take this top tip from Gavin Pap, 31, Bootle.
“I’ve stationed Nick Clegg outside my house 24/7,” says Gavin. “Now, no one ever comes near the place.”