Work ‘spouses’
We’re a couple ... of colleagues
As he sits in a meeting, Paul Mitcheson’s phone lights up with a message: “Miss me?”
It has been sent in jest by his colleague, Emily Blewett, from her desk just yards away. Not that Paul and Emily are having an affair – they are both happily married to other people – but they are in a relationship of sorts. They are “work husband and wife” – male and female colleagues who share an exclusive platonic bond in the office, one that can feel like a marriage, but without the sexual intimacy.
Theirs is a complex partnership that has been brought into focus by the release next month of Steve Jobs, the Danny Boyle film based loosely on the life of the Apple co-founder, played by Michael Fassbender. At its heart is Jobs’s unimpeachable friendship with his marketing director, Joanna Hoffman (Kate Winslet), with whom he shares his ambitions and emotions – but not his bed.
For previous generations, office conversation was largely restricted to stilted small talk. But today, 70 per cent of employees say having friends at work is the most crucial part of having a happy working life, while 50 per cent of employees with a best friend at work claim they feel a strong connection with their company.
The rise of the work spouse is the inevitable spin-off, as Joanna Butler, an occupational psychologist, explains: “We’re more likely to work in collaborative environments than isolated units these days, which make us more prone to this kind of ‘marrying’. We’re also working longer hours, during which we seek a cheerleader to help us deal with workbased stresses. “It’s easier and safer to have friendships with the opposite sex at work when there are pre-defined boundaries.”
Despite the faux flirtation, Emily says her work marriage is devoid of romance. In fact, the dynamic is dependent on its platonic status: “We joke around, but our relationship is like an old marriage with no sexual element,” she says. “Paul is a huge source of support – but nothing would ever happen between us.”
They have been working in the same London office since August 2013 when Emily, 34, a PR consultant, joined Movember, the men’s health charity where Paul is head of marketing and communications. The ice was broken three days later when Emily spilt a glass of water over her desk.
“Paul pulled out a pair of black boxer shorts from an overnight bag to dry it,” recalls Emily, from London. “I asked him what the heck he thought he was doing, and he simply replied: ‘It’s all right – they’re clean.’”
This potentially awkward moment proved a turning point, she says. “I knew at that moment Paul would become a friend. He is technically my boss, but it’s not a corporate office environment.”
Paul adds: “There is a chemistry between us in terms of trust and friendship – but no sexual vibe.”
None the less, they fast developed the idiosyncrasies of married couples. “I tell him if he’s wearing something that doesn’t suit him,” says Emily. “We bicker when we don’t agree on work projects. The other day, when I was about to eat a chocolate, he asked me if I was sure I wanted to as it looked like I’d put on a bit of weight.”
There are other benefits to having a work spouse besides boosted morale, says Butler: “We used to see colleagues as competition but now understand the value of networking. To support someone can ensure you climb the career ladder with them. To take a cynical view, for some this can be about seeing the relationship as a means to a step up.”
Yet such a close friendship can be disconcerting for colleagues, warns psychotherapist Marisa Peer – author of Ultimate Confidence (Sphere, £12.99): “Even if it’s not physically intimate, it can cause rivalry and jealousy, with other colleagues feeling sidelined.” Paul
‘A work spouse seemed a good idea but comes with risks’
insists he and Emily simply amuse colleagues with their shenanigans: “We bounce off each other for comic effect.”
It would be easy for their real-life spouses to feel unsettled, but Emily, married to digital marketing consultant Will, 34, with whom she lives in London with their daughter, Matilda, three, says her husband isn’t jealous: “Will trusts me implicitly. He and Paul are similarly calm and considered. The only difference is that I fancy Will, who thinks it’s funny that someone else has to suffer my incessant chattering during the day.”
Emily tries to keep a distance between her work and real-life husbands. “I don’t think my friendship with Paul needs to seep outside the office, just as I don’t come to work to talk about my family,” she explains.
Paul’s wife of seven years Scarlett, 38 – with whom he lives in Cambridge with their children Evie, six, and Jake, five – is similarly relaxed, despite never having met Emily. “I think they’d get on well,” says Paul. “Scarlett runs her own property company and knows successful businesses require open relationships, so there is no awkwardness.”
Peer says their situation is not necessarily the norm: “For every wife or husband who appreciates the colleague of the opposite sex who lessens the load for their partner, there will be another wife or husband who feels shut out.”
It is a fact Judith Lockwood felt so conscious of that she insisted she met Lynn, the wife of her work husband Gary Wroe, before they set up the jewellery brand Arctic Circle.
“When Gary and I went into business, I felt it important to get to know Lynn for my relationship with Gary to be successful,” says Judith, 49. So she invited Gary, 46, and Lynn, 47, a teaching assistant, to her York home. “The three of us had dinner and laughed all night. She and I now share a great relationship.”
Of course, not all work marriages are destined for a happy ever after, as Angela Brewer has discovered. A buyer for a department store, Angela, 50, recently “divorced” her work husband after he declared a romantic interest in her. “Richard joined my department two years ago and we clicked immediately,” says Angela, who is in a long-term relationship.
“We held brainstorming breakfasts and supported each other if either of us went for promotion. Richard was single but he knew I wasn’t and, perhaps naively, I never suspected he had romantic feelings for me.”
But this summer, Richard told Angela he was falling in love with her. “Since then, things have been awkward, both between us and among our colleagues, who can all sense the friction.” So much so, that Angela is applying for a new job: “Having a work spouse seemed like a good idea, but I’ve learnt the hard way that it comes with risks, too.”
* Some names have been changed