PM pours scorn on the enemy within his own side of the House

ONCE upon a time, a new Tory MP arrived for his first ever Commons debate.

He gazed across at the scowling ranks of Labour MPs, then turned to his neighbour, a Tory veteran. “It’s great,” he whispered, “to get a sight of the enemy!”

“No, dear boy,” replied the veteran patiently, “that is the Opposition. You’ll find the enemy on this side.”

Never have those words rung truer than they did yesterday.

David Cameron had come to the Commons to speak about the EU referendum. At least, that was his official motive. His real motive was to treat Boris Johnson to the thrashing of his life.

It was extraordinary. In political journalism we often refer to “thinly veiled attacks”. Here, there wasn’t even a veil. Not the flimsiest wisp of gauze.

Since the Mayor of London announced his decision to campaign for Brexit, some commentators have inferred that he doesn’t really want to leave the EU; rather, he thinks a Leave vote would prompt the EU to offer more favourable terms of membership, enabling us to stay after all.

It would appear that the Prime Minister shares this interpretation.

“I won’t dwell on the irony,” said Mr Cameron icily, “that some people apparently want a Leave vote only to remain.” All at once, everyone was looking at, and shouting about, Boris. The Mayor, arms self-protectingly

folded in the second row from the back, pulled an expression of injured innocence.

“I’ve known a number of couples who have begun divorce proceedings,” continued the Prime Minister. “But I don’t know any who have begun divorce proceedings in order to renew their marriage vows!” Pandemonium. The Mayor puffed out his cheeks, shook his head, laughed in mirthless disbelief.

With an almost successful impression of nonchalance, Mr Cameron reached for his glass of water, like a panellist who’s just brought the house down on Have I Got News for You.

“Let me end by saying this,” he said. “I have no other agenda than what is best for our country. I am telling you what I think!”

I doubt that line needs a gloss, but let’s have a bash anyway.

How about: “That deceitful snake coiled behind me cares for nothing but his own advancement, and is pretending to want Brexit for no other reason than he thinks it’ll let him pinch my job.”

At any other point in their history, Labour would have revelled in this Tory-on-Tory mud-wrestling. But I’m not sure they really enjoyed it. It only made them look all the more irrelevant.

“Last week I was in Brussels,” said Jeremy Corbyn, “meeting European leaders. And one of them said to me…”

“‘Who are you?’” supplied Christopher Pincher (Con, Tamworth).

It was 35 seconds – seriously, I timed it – before the Tory mirth died down.

It’s a remarkable achievement. Even when senior Tories are openly savaging each other in the Commons, Jeremy Corbyn still manages to end up the butt of the joke.

‘David Cameron reached for his glass of water, like a panellist who’s just brought the house down on Have I Got News for You’