Sherlock off the telly takes on a hopeless case

The idea that Britain’s membership of the EU has led to our brilliance in the arts is beyond absurd

Benedict Cumberbatch and Britaward-winning singer Paloma Faith are among 282 actors, writers, artists and musicians who have signed a letter to this newspaper warning that, if Britain were foolish enough to leave the European Union, it would become “an outsider shouting from the wings”. “From the smallest gallery to the biggest blockbuster, many of us have worked on projects that would never have happened without vital EU funding,” frets the monstrous regiment of thesps. “Britain is not just stronger in Europe, it is more imaginative and more creative, and our global creative success would be severely weakened.”

So, after Brexit, in the unlikely event that we survive World War Three, as promised by the Prime Minister, the thriving West End theatre scene will shrivel and die, our world-class architects will no longer receive global commissions, every single classically trained British actor will be booted out of Game of Thrones, great Italian tenors and German sopranos will refuse to sing at Covent Garden and William Shakespeare will go back to being that mumbling nobody from Warwickshire that he was before we joined the Common Market in 1973. I mean, how would wayward geniuses like David Bowie ever have produced anything decent without the help of Strasbourg and the European Council or the Council of Europe or the European Commission or the Council of the Commission of the European Council (keep up at the back!)? We can only imagine the helpful impact the EU’s Strategic Environmental Assessment (SEA) Directive might have had on earlier British creative output: “Dear Mr Lennon and Mr McCartney, the screening procedure for your submarine, which we understand is painted yellow, is based on criteria set out in Annex II of the Directive.”

Why, you only have to think of the vast contribution of mainland Europe to the history of popular music to realise how British musicians and composers would struggle in “artistic isolation”. The other day, I asked my friend the rock critic to name any great European bands. After some head scratching, he came up with Abba and Kraftwerk. “And, if you’re really pushing it, Daft Punk, Demis Roussos, Robyn, Air, Serge Gainsbourg and Charles Aznavour.”

Goodness, that’s terribly unfair. He forgot the immortal Nana Mouskouri in her Eric Morecambe specs. Not to mention that poor Ukrainian woman

who won Eurovision last weekend with a lament that sounded like three Siamese cats on a barbecue. And all the UK has to pit against this embarrassment of Euro talent are the international chart-toppers Adele, Ed Sheeran, Dizzee Rascal, Elton John, Sam Smith, One Direction, the Rolling Stones, Coldplay and Radiohead. How on earth will we get by?

As for the film industry, should it be denied the opportunity of making all those EU-subsidised masterpieces, we will return with a heavy heart to that parlous time when all puny Britain could produce was Lawrence of Arabia, Kind Hearts and Coronets, The

Third Man, Ealing comedies and the work of Alfred Hitchcock.

The arguments put forward by the Cumberbatch tendency are laughable. The Creative Europe fund, which claims to have supported 228 UK cultural organisations with grants totalling £30 million, is spending our money, a fraction of the £350 million a week that Britain gives to Brussels. The letter was co-ordinated by the Stronger In campaign, which has already tried to frighten voters with dire warnings from political and economic heavyweights. Now, they draft in Sherlock off the telly to make Remain seem the choice of the clever, the compassionate and the enlightened.

But what are the 282 signatories actually extolling here? Surely not the actual functioning, or dysfunctioning, EU, which is elitist, white, male, dictatorial and hideously bureaucratic – everything that the artistic spirit rightly rebels against. If they went to just one meeting on EU pillowcase regulations, they would feel their creativity wilt. What they really love, then, is a platonic ideal of Europe, of solidarity between friendly nations with each other’s best interests at heart. Marvellous idea, darlings, until you look at Greece. Punished, fearful and running out of medicine, the Greek people had to be sacrificed for the greater European ideal. Orwell was right. All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

Why do all these senior cultural figures support the rotten EU status quo when they should be leading the revolt against it? Munira Munzi, who was in charge of cultural policy in London under Boris Johnson, claims that many arts people agree with Brexit, but “they are worried about their careers and what people might think of them. They assume that everyone who wants to leave the EU must be anti-immigration.”

Still, not all creative types are too mushily politically correct to understand what’s at stake on June 23. Take the actor who said: “There’s so much in the 21st century that’s stymied by bureaucracy and mediocrity and committee.” His name was Benedict Cumberbatch.