The Brexit script has been written and this is no time to deviate

Chris Grayling stood behind the lectern and smiled. “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” he began. I glanced at my copy of his script. “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen,” it began.

I hope no one will think I’m being unkind to Mr Grayling. Nothing could be further from my mind. But put it like this. He’s the Leader of the House of Commons. He’s previously been Lord Chancellor, Justice Secretary and shadow home secretary.

And yet, even after 15 years at the top of British politics, he apparently can’t manage to say “Good morning” unless it’s written down in front of him. To be fair, though, I’ve seen worse. At last year’s Labour Party conference, which took place just after Jeremy Corbyn won the leadership, his defeated rival Andy Burnham walked on stage and, seemingly overcome by the applause, cried, “Conference! What a welcome! Not bad for a runnerup!” I had a copy of his script. Those exact words were typed at the top.

But back to Mr Grayling. His speech – at the Vote Leave campaign’s London HQ – argued that staying in the EU would mean ever more invasive rule by Brussels. “I have in my pocket,” he announced, “a photograph of the bookshelves of a GP surgery in the North East. And their health and safety manuals” – he held his hands at least a metre apart – “are literally that wide!” Blimey. You wouldn’t want to drop one of those on your foot. Mind you, at least there’d be a doctor on hand.

A supporter had a question. The Queen, he began gruffly, was our sovereign. So wouldn’t staying in the EU be treasonable? “Treasonable?” said Mr Grayling, looking puzzled.

Treasonable, said the supporter firmly. Abdicating sovereignty to Europe. Treasonable!

Politely, the former justice secretary indicated that he wouldn’t go quite so far as to classify voting Remain as treason.

The punishment for treason, of course, is life imprisonment. Admittedly, forcing 20 million Remain voters to spend the rest of their lives in

prison might sound a little extreme. On the other hand, it would create millions of jobs.

Plus all those imprisoned would need to be replaced at their own places of work. At a stroke, unemployment would become a thing of the past.

No doubt the EU’s health and safety manuals contain some officious little directive against such mass incarceration. But this is exactly the kind of bureaucratic PC meddling that Brexit will allow us to escape.

I shall be disappointed if I don’t see a proposal of this kind in the next Vote Leave mailshot.

‘Politely, the former justice secretary indicated he wouldn’t classify voting Remain as treason’