Midlife guide to... ...the C-string

Oh, sorry! I didn’t C you there.

Are we back to talking in text-speak? Have I woken up in 2003?

Not quite – though this questionable fashion trend might have you wondering. The C-string – a minimalist covering for ladies’ nether regions – is the new must-have for red carpet dwellers (as modelled by Bella Hadid, below, at Cannes last week).

But… why?

Because barely there, slashed-to-the-pelvis eveningwear is the style du jour. Basically, if your garment doesn’t look like it’s been through a paper shredder, forget it. And the necessary accoutrement to this sartorial skimpy-ness? Undies that follow suit.

Is the C-string even visible to the, erm, naked eye?

Just about. Remember those charming headbands worn by Alice in Wonderland? Imagine one of those, slightly larger on one side and turned upside down, and there you have it: the 21st-century answer to the G-string.

How do they stay up? Do the laws of gravity not apply to scantily clad models?

Through the magic of adhesive. Let’s say no more. According to industry insiders, this is the prudent choice for those who could – shockingly – look as though their rear is larger than its true size as a result of an unfortunate visible panty line.

So this is the couture alternative to going commando?

At least it’s a upgrade from the mankini – the downstairs-disguiser popularised by Borat, aka Sacha Baron Cohen, in 2006. Crumbs. Think I’ll stick to my tanga briefs, thank you very much.