Shane Watson’s modern life
Who not to go on holiday with this year
Who To Go On Holiday With Careful vetting is essential if you want to avoid ruining your precious week away ‘They must be in the same place on the decadence spectrum’
There is one thing on peoples’ minds at this time of year and it is this: Am I going on holiday with the right people?
It makes no difference where you’re going – Cornwall, Capri, caravanning in Wales, a villa within cork-popping distance of Portofino – if you are holidaying with friends what counts is that you’re spending your precious week with holiday-compatible types. What matters is that you have, by process of trial and error, discovered the crucial friendship lesson: there are Friends, and there are friends, and then there are Friends You Go on Holiday With.
It’s not hard, over time, to compile your best holiday mates list. You just add up the unqualified successes, subtract the tricky moments, and there you have it: a cast-iron shortlist of people you know will want to rise from bed at roughly the same time; who will assume you need one supermarket trolley just for the booze; who will be hell-bent on visiting that monastery in the heat of the day – because it’s a short stroll from the best taverna; who will be reluctant to lose sight of water, ever, unless you’re talking about pottering in shops selling things made of olive wood, and scarves.
Friends You Go On Holiday With have synchronised biological clocks; they must be in the same place on the decadence spectrum (there are few things more destructive on holiday than the person who says, “You’re ordering another round of ouzos?”) and share an identical interpretation of key holiday words, including, “relaxation”, “rip off ”, “late”, “early” and “unmissable heritage site”. Also “siesta”. I have just come back from a holiday with my best holiday mates, who were all agreed that a siesta might last from after lunch (five) to eight in the evening, which only counted as “wasting the day” if we went to bed before three. I’m fully aware that for many people that arrangement would be pure torture – hence the need for careful friends on holiday vetting.
I know what I need on holiday. Friends who know how to have fun indoors when it rains; someone who suggests swimming back from lunch with your money tucked under your hats (Fun); someone who wants to get up at dawn to hit the fishmarket; and someone who voluntarily disappears into the night to pick up more ice. You want a gutsy driver who doesn’t mind loud singing and flip flops dangling either side of their ears; someone who can add up a bill, and a couple of enthusiastic, inventive cooks who really can do things like fried courgette flowers, but who will also let the ploddy cooks make their special salad dressing without winceing. (The whole area of kitchen compatibility on holiday is equivalent to sexual compatibility in a marriage. You can’t have one foot in the Ottolenghi camp and one foot in the barbecued burgers. You desperately need consensus on vinegar, for example. And how to chop the tomatoes.)
Other stress points: music. Imagine, if you will, going on holiday with your friends who are into acid jazz and have gone to the trouble of bringing portable speakers. Similarly, all females in the party need to be in more or less the same grooming grade. You don’t want to end up on holiday with Amal Clooney, or the woman who spends all the squid-preparation time blowdrying her hair and picking out the right shade of gold sandals. What you want is your friend whose idea of freshening up is standing under the shower on the beach, sometimes.
And then this summer there is the new overriding compatibility issue, the subject everyone is talking about on holiday, all the time (I estimated we clocked up three hours most days, not counting chats with strangers in bars). Remainer or Leaver. In or Out. If you’re not all on the same page, I’m not sure you’re going to be worrying about the other stuff.