Why are we so hungry to know about Jen’s bump?
Another week and another Telltale Bump is sending the rumour mill into overdrive. This time, it’s Jennifer Garner who has sent the Bugaboo share price rocketing.
Last time, it was Sad, Lonely Jennifer Aniston.
I can’t recall exactly when she acquired the “Sad, Lonely” prefix – when Brad was suckered by Angelina’s enormous lips, maybe – but once these things are established, they are impossible to get rid of, like
Japanese
knotweed or Mrs Brown’s Boys.
Anyway, Sad, Lonely Jennifer A, who is now married to Justin Theroux, was spotted with a Telltale Bump not so long ago and was forced to ’fess up that she wasn’t pregnant, just guilty of something worse: a big lunch.
Now Jennifer G, who has three children aged 10, seven and four by her exhusband Ben Affleck, has been snapped with a Telltale Bump of her own.
Again, we don’t know if the tale it is telling concerns a generous portion of seafood linguine or an unexpectedly productive night of passion with her ex. But don’t let that stop the speculation.
Though the couple announced their split a year ago, no divorce proceedings are as yet underway. Moreover, Affleck still lives on the family property, albeit in a guesthouse.
Given that a separate des res within hollering distance of a booty call sounds like relationship bliss, tongues are wagging that Jen and Ben may have been consciously coupling. Either that, or they have been enjoying some furtive and transgressive big lunches together.
Sorry, but how depressing that even a slight rounding of the tummy can make headlines.
It is a dire reflection of just how unrealistically slim actresses are expected to be by their Hollywood paymasters, the undignified scavenging carried out by the tabloid press and, ahem, my own prurience, however loftily passed off as fair comment.
I suspect we all need our Telltale heads Bumped together.