Brown in town... The new rules for the modern gent

As ‘Country Life’ reveals how to spot a cad, Nick Curtis defends those who, in the age of the vulgarian, would rather be one of the good guys

t a difficult time for the modern gentleman, when the vulgarian seems to reign supreme, Country Life has confused things further. Today, the magazine publishes its list of 21 candidates for Gentleman of the Year – the winner to be chosen in 2017 – and they are a very mixed bunch. I’ve met Sir David Attenborough and can confirm his manners are impeccable, but he doesn’t fuss about etiquette. Could one say the same of David Beckham or model David Gandy? The MP Chuka Umunna exudes a dapper suaveness that is completely opposite to the mien (and sartorial style) of the cross-dressing artist Grayson Perry. I’ve watched Olympian Alistair Brownlee demonstrate a technique for rolling over an opponent in the swim section of a triathlon, which hardly seems gentlemanly. Idris Elba is a role model for manhood, but not, perhaps, the same model as Nick Robinson or David Cameron, who also finds himself on the list. Usefully, Country Life also tells its readers in the same issue how to spot a bounder – he has more than two phones, buys diamonds for his mistress and a Dyson for his wife, goes clubbing in his thirties, and so on. But since there is no corresponding advice on how to behave like a proper fellow in the modern world, we have undertaken to provide it here.

Manners

The most fraught area of debate around gentlemanly behaviour remains the matter of whether one should hold a door open for a woman. Would this be construed as sexist? The short answer is that you should certainly hold a door open for a woman, or a man, passing close behind you, especially if burdened by a handicap, heavy shopping, several children, and so forth. What you shouldn’t do is make an ostentatious show of it or cause someone several yards behind to scurry. A gentleman should always put people at ease.

The days of holding a woman’s chair for her are long gone (though it’s acceptable to draw a small restaurant table away from her chair as she sits if you are dining à deux). Similarly, it is fine to accompany a manly handshake with an informal “hello” or “hi” rather than the traditional “how do you do?”. And it’s OK to shake a woman’s hand, or to kiss her on the cheek (once ideally, twice possibly, thrice never). But take her cue. Donald Trump may be president-elect, but grabbing her by the p---y is never going to tick the gentlemanly box.

Entertaining

If hosting a dinner or drinks party, do not baffle your guests with too much sophistication or choice. A cad may fill his decanters with plonk, but these days only a show-off would pour Pol Roger into a jug (while doubtless leaving the bottles visible somewhere).

If you are a guest, do not take inferior wine to someone you know will serve better stuff, or chocolates or cheese to someone on the 5:2 diet.

Thank-you letters are welcome if you have been shown exceptional hospitality, but for friends one sees regularly an email or text message will suffice. A gentleman never signs off with a kiss, unless to a lover. If an informal tone is required, “Cheers” strikes the right note.

Dress

Noël Coward turned up in white tie to a party where everyone else was in shorts, and said: “Oh, how embarrassing… for all of you.” Funny, but not gentlemanly. Again, a gentleman should stand out for his character, not his dress. If you are at a formal dinner, dress formally (I’m looking at you, Gordon Brown), and if an affair is going to be smart, an element of dandyism shows elan.

Otherwise, the following are now acceptable: shorts, shoes without socks, brown in town, sandals, cycling gear, those weird pedal-pusher trousers the fashionable young now sport, discreet or artful tattoos (see David Dimbleby), T-shirts (but never with slogans, even “ironic” ones), jeans, trainers, a suit and shirt without a tie and facial hair.

Not acceptable: socks with sandals, golf attire (even when playing golf), flip-flops, full-sleeve tattoos (see David Beckham), man buns.

Romance

Lana Turner said that “a gentleman is simply a patient wolf ”, and if a man is interested in a woman, he should let her know it, with compliments along the lines of “you look lovely”, rather than “phwoar”. Today, gentlemen may use dating websites, but not hookup apps such as Tinder.

In the bedroom, a gentleman should always give as much as he gets, preferably more, if you know what I mean, but shouldn’t indulge in athleticism or contortionism. And as boyband singer Harry Styles said: “A gentleman never kisses and tells.” He does not, however, make it on to Country Life’s list.

One is born a boy and becomes a man, but becoming a gentleman requires not only a conscious choice but time and constant practice.