When Harry met Meghan
Love across the racial divide
‘We avoid going into pubs in Norfolk and other Ukip areas’
When Prince Harry spoke out last week about his relationship with Meghan Markle, it was unprecedented not only because it was the first time he had ever confirmed he was dating, but also because it was to publicly defend his girlfriend.
In a statement posted on social media, he condemned the “outright sexism and racism” that Markle had received since their relationship was made public earlier this month. The Prince has also said that he will fund security for the American actress, who stars in the series Suits and lives in Toronto, when she is over here.
As the woman who could be Britain’s next princess, Markle, who has a white father and black mother, was always going to be a target for online trolls. But if the racial abuse she has experienced was a shock to Harry, it is something his mother, Diana, Princess of Wales, would have been aware of, when she was dating Dodi Fayed. And it will also have long been familiar to interracial couples across the country.
“My wife and I definitely experienced racism when we got together,” says Tony Lloyd, 59. “First, you’d get the stares, then people would come out with things like: ‘It will be hard being with someone of a different race…’ We also wouldn’t get invited to certain parties or dinners – work events, especially.”
Tony, a former lawyer who now runs a global martial arts business, is black and grew up in Roehampton, southwest London, while his wife, Jan, is white and had a “very white middleclass background” in Sussex. They began dating in the late Eighties, when she joined his classes.
Jan, who now works in PR, had to grow accustomed to the police stopping Tony in his Mercedes because of the colour of his skin. “It is a shock, and quite scary, when someone you love is pulled over for no reason at all,” she says. “It happened quite a few times to Tony, normally when I wasn’t in the car with him. Eventually, it became ‘one of those things’ we put up with.”
Most of the racism that she herself experienced was subtle and came from friends, colleagues and extended family – “you never heard them being rude or racist, you just felt them emotionally and physically turning away” – but it was particularly difficult with her parents.
“I felt like when I got married to Tony, I got divorced from my parents,” she says. Her father refused to attend the wedding, while her mother only came round to the idea once Tony and Jan’s daughter was born. Jan and her father were never reconciled before his death.
“It’s hard,” she admits, “but you have to move on. Luckily, the younger generation, like my siblings, are completely accepting of us.”
Still, when their now-teenage daughter was born, the Wimbledon-based couple experienced racism targeted at her. “I remember one incident when Jan was out with our daughter in a pram and an old white man came towards her, saw a dark baby and spat at her,” says Tony. “I won’t forget that.” Tony says there are still instances when he isn’t invited to events as Jan’s plus one because, he says, “some people don’t know how to speak to a black person, because they’re so affected by all the stereotypes – that we’re angry, that we mug people…” According to 2014 figures from the Office for National Statistics, one in 10 couples in the UK are now ethnically mixed, meaning that some 883,000 children are being brought up in ethnically mixed homes. However, there has also been a rise in racial abuse following the Brexit vote. Dr Reenee Singh, the 49year-old founding director of the London Intercultural Couples Centre at the Child and Family Practice in Bloomsbury – which offers counselling to couples from different cultures and races – expects to be even busier after Donald Trump’s election. “The wider political, social context isn’t favourable to interracial couples,” she says. “There’s a disparity between what’s happening on the ground – where more interracial couples are getting together – and the feeling that things should go back to a time when people only mixed with their ‘own kind’.” As a south Asian woman married to a white man living in north London, Dr Singh has personal experience of hostility towards interracial couples. “Sometimes it’s obvious, but more often it’s insidious. Often when people see you together, they do a little bit of a double-take. I used to be mistaken for our son’s nanny, which was tough.” She has also experienced “reverse” racism within the Indian community, when a Hindu priest appeared to discriminate against her husband, Stephen, by talking of his “impurity”.
Typically, it is common for the person of colour in a relationship to be more aware of discrimination than their white partner. But Prince Harry’s actions turn this on its head – which Dr Singh thinks is incredibly positive.
“The white partner normally minimises the racism, so good for Prince Harry, going for the jugular. This is a good model for all interracial couples, for someone to openly stand up for their partner.”
Karen Laing, 39, is white and married to Chris, who is black. The couple own a fitness business together in Epping, and for the 12 years they have been together, Karen has had to slowly change the way she thinks about race.
“As a white person, I was probably guilty of thinking someone has a chip on their shoulder when they complain about racism. But my eyes have been opened to what Chris experiences. He gets stopped and searched by the police – not very often, but just because he’s black. If you say racism doesn’t exist any more, you’re ignorant.”
The couple have been lucky to escape interracial discrimination – bar the odd stare when they partake in their shared love of golf. “We’re both really keen golfers, and we once went to play when we were visiting family in Bolton,” recalls Karen. “We were quite conspicuous and were really stared at when we walked into the clubhouse. But luckily there’s never been anything malicious – it’s just uncomfortable.”
One of their biggest obstacles came from within Karen’s family. “My parents were supportive, and still are, but we experienced quite a negative reaction from my grandfather, who didn’t want us to get married and thought it was offensive. He didn’t bless our marriage. That was my first experience personally of racism.”
One of her grandfather’s issues with Karen’s marriage was that her children would be mixed race. It’s why he has never met them, and they don’t know he exists. “I still love him but I can’t condone his behaviour,” she says. “I’ll eventually tell the children about him, but not until they’re old enough to understand.”
Isaac, five, and Naomi, two, have yet to experience any discrimination, but Karen is concerned for their futures. “As a mother, I’m made aware my children have different-coloured skin. At the moment, they’re revered – they’re seen by their peers and other parents as cool and interesting. But having talked to other mothers, I think it will be more of a problem when they’re teenagers. They’ll look different to the other kids at school, so it will be hard for them to fit in. I’m very aware I’m bringing my children up in a white-dominated world.”
The family’s efforts to avoid racism has had a direct effect on their life, particularly when it comes to planning trips. “We avoid going out to pubs in Norfolk and other Ukip-supporting areas,” explains Karen. “We also have to think very carefully about where to go on holiday. This year, we went to France, but what with Brexit and Calais, my husband was uncomfortable. I sometimes forget how other cultures see brown-skinned people.”
Her priority now is to focus on her children and ensure they grow up free from racial discrimination. “We protect them from it as a family. We don’t want to have to explain racism to our kids. They don’t have to know – at least, not yet.”